Completing the Silence
by Violet Nyte
Summary: AC 205: Duo wakes in the hospital and finds himself trapped in the nightmarish land of his own slipping sanity, facing darker emotions that ever... 1 2 Duo's POV and third person -finished-
1. Side Effects

LSE // 7-12-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter One: Side Effects)  
rated: PG-13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Side Effects  
  
  
  
  
The door's unlocked. Does it lock from the inside, no...it must lock   
from the outside, with a key of somesort. Maybe it doesn't lock. Maybe  
it's never been locked, all it's door-life has been spent offering   
equal access to anyone and everyone, like a cheap whore. A door-whore.  
A whore-door. A whore's door. I'm tired, it must be a side-effect.   
Affect? Effect. Affect is the whole thing. The total affect. Total   
effects. Effect looks weird. E-fect. E-fact. In fact. As a matter of   
fact. Just the facts, ma'am. God, I'm tired. Why can't I see anything?  
Am I dead? No, I'm sleeping. Can you be tired when you're sleeping?   
I am... I am sleeping. Side-effects.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Duo?" Are hallucinations a side-effect? Hallucinations.   
Illuminations. Fireworks. No, snapping. Finger snapping. "Duo!"  
  
Light instantly floods my vision as my eyes snap open, franticly   
searching for the source of my awakening. I find the source above me,   
a pair of cobalt-blue eyes staring at me, concern flickering behind a   
mask of indifference. Or so I'd like to think. "Oh." I say, alarmed   
to find my voice a weak croaking noise, pathetic. I try to cough, to   
clear it, but there's nothing blocking the passage. It feels like   
sandpaper. Sandrock. Quatre. Trowa. Wufei. "Heero." I rasp the name   
out loud.  
  
Heero nods. "Yes, that's right. I'm Heero. You're Duo."  
  
"Tarzan."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Me Tarzan, you Jane. You sound like that. I sound dead."  
  
Heero straightens, his eyes hardening as he stares at me from the   
chair beside my bed. The bed. Is it my bed? "You're not dead," he   
snaps.  
  
"No. Not dead. Yet."  
  
Those blue eyes void of all emotion, a blank mask. Freaky. "Baka!" He   
shouts, standing so suddenly the chair topples over backwards. "Do   
you not even remember what happened?!"  
  
"Why's my voice. Dead. I sound dead," I mumbled incoherently, loosing   
what little consciousness I regained. Heero starts to sit, but finds   
himself without a chair. He gropes backwards and finds the fallen   
furniture, setting it upright and getting himself on it.   
  
"Don't," he whispers, leaning forward. I'm shocked at the amount of   
emotion hidden in his flat monotone. "Don't fall asleep, Duo. Stay   
with me, okay?"  
  
"Shinigami."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The door's open. Was it closed earlier? How long ago was it? Did I   
hallucinate Heero? No, I can see him. If I move my head, I can see   
him sleeping in the corner, still on the same chair. There's not   
much else in the room. It's white. Very white. At least it's big. I   
think I may be claustrophobic. That's a long word. Hallucinate.   
Illuminate. Claustrophobic. No, that's not right, the words don't   
match. Should they match? Why, do I care?  
  
"H..." my voice is worse than before. I try again, "Hee..." That   
won't wake him. I move my foot slowly, cautiously, under the covers.   
If I stretch it out enough... My toe knocks the vase atop the table   
and it crashes to the ground with a delightful burst. Broken porcelain  
flows everywhere, showering the tile floor. I shake with silent   
laughter.  
  
"Shit!" Heero jumps nearly straight up, bolting out of the chair and   
staring in confusion at the shattered vase, then sees me. He presses   
hard on my quivering shoulders, flattening me to the bed and stopping   
my shakes. "Duo!"  
  
I think he's angry. He knows I broke the vase. I struggle to stop   
laughing, "S...sorry." I manage, a mangled whisper fighting free.  
  
"Sorry?" He repeats, letting go of my shoulders. He takes in the   
scene once more, and it dawns on me he hadn't seen my laughter.   
  
"Couldn't...wake you," I wrestled myself into a grin, shocking Heero   
further. He gapes at me. I grin. He thought I was convulsing or   
something. God, could I convulse? Side-affect? Effect.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
"Water?" I ask hopefully, eyeing the open door.   
  
A woman in a starched uniform walks in. Nurse. She's a nurse. "Is   
everything alright? I heard...oh!" She steps back in dismay, her   
slippered feet crushing a piece of broken vase. "What happened?"  
  
"Minor accident. Put the cost of the vase on the bill." Heero said   
as if reading mission objectives. The nurse nodded, shooting me a   
suspicious look. "Oh, and water. Food?" He turns to look at me.  
  
I shake my head, turning it away from them and staring at the   
opposite wall. I have a window. It looks over a park, but all I can   
see is the sky. Blue, blue sky. Heero's eyes are blue, a different   
blue. Steel blue. Hard blue. I shiver.  
  
"Are you cold?" He asks.  
  
"No." I rasp, rolling my head away from the window. I feel very   
surreal about it. About everything. About what I did. We don't talk,   
and soon the nurse comes back with a pitcher of water and two cups.   
Heero doesn't thank her, at least not that I can hear, for I'm staring  
at the window once more.   
  
"Do you still want water?"  
  
I turn back to him, nodding. I'm mildly pleased to have the bed   
automatically lift, going from a flat position to a comfortable   
sitting one. I don't have to move this way. Hurts to move, I think. I   
hurt. I start to move my hand, to take the water, and find I can't get  
it to respond. Hurts too much. Heero seems to already know I wouldn't   
be able to and sets the cup carefully on my lip. I cough as the liquid  
hits my parched throat and I choke, the water dribbling out my mouth.   
Ew. Heero lifts the cup away and looks at me, disappointment shining   
out of those steel eyes.   
  
"Sorry." My voice sounds a little better, I nod to the cup, "Please?"   
I don't want to say anything, I don't feel like talking. That's a   
first. I'm not amused by my own joke. Would Heero smile if I told him?   
The second attempt goes a little better and I manage to get the entire   
cup in me. I lean back, exhausted after such minute work as swallowing.   
"Thanks." I say, and am pleased to hear my voice is back to almost   
normal, only a small rasp to it.  
  
Silence falls, thick. Thick silence. Thick. Tick. Tock. "Time. What   
time is it?"  
  
Heero looks to his watch and keeps his eyes on it, "Eleven-oh-eight."  
  
"Morning?"  
  
"Evening."   
  
Well hell, the sky isn't blue after all, now that I notice. Looks blue.  
Blue-black. "Nice weather."  
  
He stares at me, and I try to smile to let him know I was trying to   
joke, but somehow I can't muster a smile. Pathetic, Duo. Pathetic. I   
look away suddenly, intently studying the window. "Please. Leave?"  
  
I wait for the sound of the door clicking closed and when it does I   
let them come, hot salty tears. I don't care anymore that I never cry,  
I can't help it. I press my face into the pillow to muffle the sounds.   
A weight presses against the door and I franticly sniffle, rubbing my   
cheek against the pillow to wipe away the tears. I don't want to move   
my hands, either of them. Neither of them. Both of them. Oh, God...  
  
The door opens slightly, "Duo...?"  
  
"I'm fine! Go away...please." I add quickly, I don't want Heero mad.   
God. God. Good. Dog. I snicker slightly at that train of thought, and   
I hear the door close once more.   
  
After an eternity I push away the tears. I drift into an uneasy sleep   
full of disconnected thoughts. Sometime they come and give me   
medication, but I might have dreamed that.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Heero turned away from the door with a sigh, making his way slowly to   
the nurse's station. Finding the nurse in charge, he tells her he's   
leaving, in case asks. "How is he?" The small blonde asks, standing   
with a stretch.   
  
"Better. More alert, I think." Heero mumbles, nodding in acknowledgment  
of his companion's silent concern. "They're going to move him tomorrow.  
Release him soon. Maybe..." He shrugs into the offered coat.  
  
"Do you think Trowa and I could see him tomorrow?"  
  
"Since they're moving him, yes. Maybe. The nurses would know."  
  
Quatre shook his head slightly, steering Heero towards the waiting car.  
Climbing into the passenger seat, Heero slumped against the window,   
staring out gloomily. Quatre shoot his friend a concerned look, but   
his gut told him not to question. He couldn't resist. "Is he... I mean,  
Duo's going to be okay, isn't he?"  
  
Pale skin, tile floors, chestnut waves... "I don't know."  
  
"What about you?" He asked, tone softening.  
  
Heero watched the passing scenery for a moment, not answering. "He   
doesn't even care. I don't think... I mean, if you did something like   
that..." He closed his eyes with a sigh, words eluding him. "Trowa and   
you... it's different, isn't it? Than with Duo and me."  
  
"Yes," Quatre admitted, feeling a blush across his cheeks. "But then   
again, it's the same. What you two have is special, Heero. Duo knows   
that, I'm sure of it."  
  
"Then why! I don't understand...why..." Heero suddenly broke off,   
lifting his head off the window and staring straight ahead.  
  
"Heero?"  
  
"Nothing. Forget it." He said, visibly disturbed. Quatre had never   
seen so much emotion from the stoic fighter, this Perfect Soldier. He   
didn't press the matter any further.  
  
Heero didn't say anything until when they reached the small house   
they, the five of them, shared. Shared because, as Heero told himself,   
it was cheaper, but in truth because they all wanted to stick together.  
"Tomorrow... you guys come too."  
  
Quatre nodded, going inside. Heero didn't feel like talking anymore   
and went upstairs immediately, locking himself into the bedroom. Their   
bedroom. His and Duo's. He could see the monochromatic wardrobe Duo   
insisted on wearing, all black, in the open closet, and angrily shut   
the offending door. Sparse in the way of decoration, mostly Duo's   
belongings lay across the dresser and bedside table.   
  
Heero picked up a hair tie from it's place and gently untangled the   
chestnut strand attached to it.   
  
/He wasn't moving, he looked so serene. Peaceful, even with the chaos   
strewn about him...  
  
Heero shook his head, tossing the hair tie to the floor. He couldn't -   
wouldn't - think about that now. He wasn't sure why Duo had so suddenly  
asked him to leave, but he was sure he'd seen tears in those hidden   
violet hues. He'd heard Duo try to muffle the sounds. It broke his   
heart. Was Duo still crying?  
  
He was angry, too. Furious at the boy, he wanted to grab him and shake   
him as hard as he could, screaming. He wanted to bite and kick and...   
Why? Why had Duo...why...  
  
/The gold cross was smeared with blood. It looked as if Duo had been   
holding it before he collapsed. His hair was tightly braided. He   
looked asleep.  
  
Heero growled in his throat and kicked the bed hard enough for the leg   
to almost snap. "Why?" He demanded his reflection. He stormed to the   
bathroom, clicking on the light. "Ick." He said, staring in horrified   
fascination at the remains of the chaos. The tiles would be forever   
dyed by his lover's blood, a brownish red stain faint and faded, but   
still strong enough to resist many attempts at clean. The mirror had   
yet to be replaced, but the broken shards had been cleared away.   
  
Heero turned away, afraid he'd still see Duo's crumbled body, skin so   
white, with all that blood around it...  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Hallucinations a side-affect?" I giggle, "effect."  
  
The nurse stares at me and walks out, muttering something I'm sure   
wasn't complimentary. My new room is bigger, but I share it with   
another person, who I can't see because of the curtain. "Hello." I'm   
feeling conversational, and my voice is one-hundred percent like mine   
again.  
  
No response. I keep talking. "What are you in for? Sounds like   
something you'd say in jail, doesn't it? My name's Duo, Duo Maxwell.   
Have you been here long? I think I've been here two days, that sounds   
about right. I lost track. They won't tell me what's going on, I'm a   
little ticked about that. Are you female, or male? Not interested, I   
mean, no offense, I'm sure you're lovely, but I've sorta got someone,"   
My chest tightens as I say this, because I'm no longer sure I have   
that someone. "Anyways, I haven't tried any of the food yet, does it   
suck as bad as I fear?"  
  
"I don't know, Duo, but would you like to try?"  
  
I roll my head over quickly, surprise registering on my face. "Q-man!   
Ah, crap, is that meatloaf?"  
  
Quatre walks over, smiling, and sets the tray on the table in front of   
me. I'm already sitting up, the nurse did that for me earlier. Behind   
him come in Trowa and Heero. "I believe the lady told me pizza..."  
  
"Q-man, she lied, this isn't pizza."  
  
Heero's eyebrow twitches slightly and he leans over and says something   
to Trowa, who doesn't even look over, but I know he's heard. "Who were   
you talking to?" Trowa asked, his one visible eye looking to the   
curtain.  
  
"Roommate. Dunno name yet. Kinda quiet. Damn, they should at least   
give you salt!" I don't know why I'm talking like this. Because I   
always do? I don't feel this happy.   
  
Trowa disappears behind the curtain and comes back out, shaking his   
head. "No one there, Duo."  
  
"Well damn, I wanted some company. Hey, is this jello?"  
  
I don't notice Heero leave, because Quatre has engrossed me into   
cheery conversation and by the time I notice there's only three of us   
in the room, it's too late. Trowa watches us for a while, content to   
let us idly talk about anything but reality. Quatre doesn't mention my   
actually being in a hospital, and I don't ask any questions about it,   
even though I'm full of them. My memory is hazy.  
  
Trowa drifts away, out into the hall. I can hear him talking to Heero,   
their twin monotone's a drone. Quatre continues talking, "The air   
conditioner's still broken, but it being winter we haven't really   
gotten around to fixing it..."   
  
I'm feeling a little funny. I try to focus on what he's saying, but   
soon he realizes I've stopped answering. "Duo?" He asks, looking around  
at the near empty room. "Duo?"  
  
"Quatre." I shake my head as if to clear it. When I open my eyes, the   
room's spinning, I force myself to focus directly at Quatre. "What   
were you saying?" My voice sounds weird, I don't sound right. I don't   
feel right. I'm getting scared. Another side-effect?  
  
"Duo, are you alright?"  
  
I want to laugh, tell Quatre something funny and feel okay again. But   
I'm not, and by the look in Quatre's eyes he must know it. I must look   
as horrible as I feel.  
  
At this point Heero and Trowa come back in, and Heero takes one look   
at me and his face goes blank. Completely void. Is he angry? I don't   
understand. I'm scared. I want Heero to hold me, to whisper in my ear   
everything will be all right. I don't want to die. I don't want to be   
here anymore, in the hospital, where people die. I've seen people die.   
I'm the God of Death.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
They're all looking at me. I turn my head away, looking to the curtain   
with nothing behind it. They tricked me. I wanted a roommate. "Fine."  
  
"You don't sound fine," I can hear the anger in Heero's voice. I hate   
myself, for making him angry. What's worse, I think he's been crying.   
Was he crying, in the hallway, with Trowa?   
  
"I asked the nurse but she said they weren't and they won't tell me   
why." Well, that sounded fucked. I wanted to say something else. I   
can't control my own voice anymore. I shiver beneath Quatre's heavy   
coat. "Why's it cold?" I can hear whispers, and then footsteps.   
They've gone to get a nurse.   
  
"Duo."  
  
It's Heero.  
  
"Duo..."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I wake slowly, unsure of where I'll be when I open my eyes. I'm   
surprised to find myself still in the same bed, I thought for sure I'd   
be moved again. I'm suddenly aware of another person in the room, and   
I fear it's Heero. I don't feel so funky anymore, did they pump me full  
of more medicine? "Heero?"  
  
"No. Why don't you face me, Duo?"  
  
I'm intrigued, it's a feminine voice. I turn my head slowly and find a   
pretty young woman in one of those business skirt suit things women   
liked to wear when they wanted to look professional. Maroon and cream.   
She had light brown hair pulled back into a bun atop her head and a   
pair of delicate silver eyeglasses perched on her nose. She looks   
so...school-ish... "Who...?"  
  
"Hello, Duo. I'm Doctor Burnett."  
  
"You don't look like a doc. Where're the scrubs?"  
  
The doctor folds her hands across her lap, "I'm not that kind of   
doctor. I'm a psychologist."  
  
"A shrink." My hopes of ever get out of here plummeting. They've   
committed me to an insane asylum.   
  
She sees my panic and smiles reassuringly, "I'm just here to talk to   
you, Duo. Your friends are worried."  
  
"They think I'm crazy."  
  
"No one said anything about your sanity or lack of. Do you think   
you're crazy?"  
  
"No! I mean, I'm not talking to myself or...or waiting for the   
mothership, like that. You know?"  
  
The doctor looks down at her notepad for a moment. "Duo, do you know   
why you're here?"  
  
My stomach flip-flops. "Sure," I say. I study a spot on the ceiling   
with determined persistence, not meeting the doctor's look. "I mean...  
I got hurt, right? They put you into hospitals for that."  
  
"Duo, your friends tell me you hurt yourself. Do you remember that?"  
  
I remember it. I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor, taking my   
cross in my hands and lowering my head as if in prayer, lips moving in   
silence as I watch the blood flow from me. There's lots of blood. The   
door's locked, I can hear people outside. Heero's yelling something,   
they're pounding on the door, I... "Yes. I remember it."  
  
"Do you want to talk about why you tried to kill yourself?"  
  
"I'm not suicidal!" I stare at the woman, my eyes pleading with her.   
She stares back, unaffected. "I'm not crazy."  
  
"No one said you were, Duo. Are you angry at yourself?" I ignore her,   
looking away. It's my only way of escape. "Did someone do something to   
you? How was your childhood?"  
  
"Get out! Get the fuck out!" I scream, suddenly not wanting her there.  
I don't want to ever see her again.   
  
"I'm only trying to help you..."  
  
"Fuck it! I don't need your help!" The doctor stands and quietly   
leaves, giving me a sense of shame for yelling at her. I didn't want to  
think about why I'm here, I don't want to think about that day. How   
long ago was it? They won't tell me anything. I'm scared. I want the   
doctor to come back and give me a pill and make it all go away. I want   
to get rid of the pain.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Well?"  
  
Doctor Burnett took off her glasses and looked back towards the room,   
"It's hard to tell at this point. I don't see any symptoms of a   
psychological disorder just yet. Did he seem depressed at all?"  
  
"Duo's usually cracking jokes, always smiling." Quatre looked to   
Heero, "Did you notice anything?"  
  
"You found him, correct?"  
  
Heero shrugged, uncomfortably aware he'd have to talk. "He seemed   
distracted, that's all. We had a minor disagreement and he went..."   
about to say crazy, he reconsidered and said, "he got really upset."  
  
"I notice he has cut on his eyebrow, how did he get that?"  
  
"Two days before the...incident he walked into a street pole."  
  
"Were you with him?"  
  
"No, that's what he told me."  
  
"I see. I'll come by tomorrow, maybe he'll be more cooperative then.   
I'm going to recommend he be released, I don't feel this environment   
is healthy for him. Will there be someone to watch him?"  
  
Heero nodded immediately. "Thank you, doctor." He turned to Quatre and   
Trowa, "Would you mind waiting in the car?"  
  
Duo was facing away from the door when he entered, and he cleared his   
throat slightly to announce his presence. He couldn't see the bandaged   
arms he knew lay beneath the sheets, and he didn't want to. "I told   
you to leave."  
  
"Duo."  
  
"Heero... Are you going to put me away?"  
  
"What? No, Duo... You're going home soon."  
  
He paid attention then, turning his head around, violet eyes wide in   
open disbelief, "They're letting me go?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I thought... I mean, the doctor..."  
  
Heero touched Duo's cheek gently, wiping away a tear stain, "Baka.   
They don't want you here anymore than I do."  
  
Duo's eyes widened further, "Heero..."  
  
"It's expensive." Heero suddenly withdrew his hand, turning away, a   
hard look in his eyes. "We can't afford it."  
  
"Heero, I-"  
  
But there was no one there anymore.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I cautiously start to stand, and find myself amazingly able to do so.   
The smiling nurse turns the wheelchair around towards the hospital and   
leaves, humming to herself. I wanna punch her. Alarmed at the thought,   
I climb into the backseat of the car, Heero already behind the wheel.   
He's a horrible driver, I love to tease him about it. I don't say   
anything. I think I'm still drugged, but I can't recall the last time   
they gave me medicine.   
  
I stare at the bandaged arms in my lap, thick white gauze covering   
them all the way to the elbow. Blood stains the white in a few places.   
Beside me is a bag full of gauze, and my pillow. They let me keep the   
pillow, which is about an inch thick and feels scratchy. Heero's   
staring at me. "What?"  
  
"Seat belt?"  
  
I start to move my hands, but the bandages make it difficult. After a   
moment of fumbling I give up, sheepishly looking to Heero for help.   
Instead of reaching over to assist, he simply puts the car in gear and   
drives off. Damn. I should say something. Something funny to put us at   
ease. I can't. I look through the bag the hospital gave me, mostly   
gauze and the remains of my overnight kit. "They gave me a bedpan!"  
  
Heero doesn't even crack a smile.  
  
I sigh, sitting back and looking to the window. I see our house, the   
house, my house. It's smaller than it should be, despite Quatre's   
connections and Relena's insistence. We were going to move somewhere   
else, a bigger place. A better place. Heero's comment flashes back at   
me.  
  
/"We can't afford it."  
  
I look down to my arms again. No, I think, I suppose we can't. Not   
now. Not with me. Ten year's after the fucking war and look where the   
mighty have fallen. Maybe not fallen. Stumbled maybe. Hell, I've   
fallen. Wufei opens the door for me, they're all smiling like idiots.   
Okay, just Quatre's smiling. Heero's cold, so very cold, almost   
glaring at me. I look away from him, grinning to Trowa and wandering   
up the walk and into the house. It's warm, a fire glowing from within   
the hearth.   
  
I slid the gold cross along it's chain for a moment, waiting for the   
rest of my ex-pilots to join me. In what, celebration? Congratulations,  
Duo! They let your psychotic-ass out of the hospital! We're going to   
have to watch you like hawks, to make sure you don't succeed this time   
around! Fuck it. "Are those pancakes?" I ask brightly, heading for the   
kitchen.  
  
It's awkward. One of those situations people enjoy laughing at, once   
it's over with. As long as they're not in it. Heero barely talks, I   
ramble like an idiot, about anything but the present. I talk about   
pancakes, about Quatre's hair, about Trowa's hair. I tease Wufei and,   
hell, I even manage to get a few guilty smiles for my efforts. For a   
while it looks like we might be okay, maybe they'll go call that   
psy-whats-it and cancel that whole therapy thing. Ha! I say with my   
actions, Ha! I don't need therapy, I'm as happy as a... a... a really   
happy thing! Like moths. They're happy. Until they fly into the light   
and char their brains out. Do moth's have brains?  
  
Do I sound forced? I must look stupid, acting as if nothing's happened   
while the evidence calmly lays across my arms. I bang my arm against   
the cabinet and screech out an oath, causing everyone to jump. I turn   
my back on them and hold the offended limb to me, cursing my stupidity.  
All my hard work brought tumbling down by one little cabinet door. No   
doubt about it, Ol' Duo's crazy. Gonna lock him up in the crazy house.   
Poor Ol' Duo, laughing and grinning the whole way, never even saw it   
coming.   
  
"Are you alright, Duo?" Quatre asks, stepping around the kitchen   
counter.  
  
I laugh, whirling around to face them all again. "Well, I'm going to   
go take a shower, call me if I don't get out before lunch is ready.   
What are we having?"  
  
"Uhm..." Quatre looks over his shoulder to the other four, who are all   
staring at me. I don't wait for the answer and try to calmly walk out.   
I grab the hospital bag on my way up, suddenly realizing that, in order  
to shower, I'll have to take off my bandages. I wonder if the others   
realized that. Probably, they aren't crazy like me. Crazy Duo.   
  
Shinigami.  
  
I start to head for the shower in my room, mine and Heero's, but I   
stop in the doorway to the bathroom, frozen. The mirror's gone, they   
haven't replaced it. The floor, stained with blood. My blood. I can   
hear the screams. My screams. His screams. I lean against the door's   
frame, knowing I can't go in there. I blindly stagger backwards,   
bumping into a small yet solid body. Heero moves around me, gently   
closing the door and standing there for a moment, head rested against   
the smooth wood.  
  
"I think I'll use Wufei's shower..." I say weakly, turning away.  
  
Heero doesn't say anything. I didn't expect him to. I didn't want him   
to.  
  
Safely bundled up in Wufei's shower, I flip the toilet seat down and   
sit, staring at my arms. Carefully, I peel away the layers of wrapping.  
I bite off a scream, forcing myself to be detached about the   
procedure. I get my right arm, the one with the least damage, free and   
study it, strangely amused. I laugh. Well! No one can accuse me of not   
trying hard enough! The slashes aren't organized, they aren't in neat   
little rows and columns, they're everywhere, angry. Furious marks, I t  
hink I hit bone on a few. They're stitched with little blue plasticy   
threads. Cool.  
  
I hold the arm out, turning it this way and that. It's sore, I don't   
like moving it. I don't want to see the left arm. I take out a fresh   
role of gauze and wrap it back up, tears starting to prick just behind   
my eyes. I'm shaking. I don't want to take a shower anymore. I move   
against my will, taking off my cross and sinking slowly to my knees. I   
hold the cross in my hands, clumsy with the bandages. I don't pray, I   
just kneel.   
  
There's a knock on the door.  
  
"Hai!"  
  
"I thought you were going to take a shower."  
  
"Decided against it," I swing open the door and grin at Heero. He eyes   
me carefully, eyes my arms. "Maybe later."  
  
"Hn." He turns away, "Someone here to see you. Come downstairs."  
  
"I don't really want any visitors. If it's Relena, can't you distract   
her? Tell her I'm sleeping. Maybe I will go sleep. I'm kinda tired.   
Heero? ...Heero?"  
  
He leads me into the living room and hovers there in the doorway,   
motioning me in. That damn psy-whats-it there. I put the cross around   
my neck and can't help but glare at Heero as I go in, lounging across   
the chair set in front of the doctor. She looks to Heero and nods. The   
door closes and we're alone.  
  
"Hello, Duo. Do you remember me?"  
  
"You're the tooth fairy!" I cry, sitting upright and staring at her   
with wide eyes, a grin across my face. I laugh at her expression and   
sit back in the chair, braid falling limply over the side. There's a   
stain on the ceiling. Looks like a dog. Dog. God.  
  
"This isn't a joke, Duo. Your friends tell me you've been acting odd."  
  
"I've been a bundle of laughs, haven't I?" I lower my head to look at   
her, grin plaster in place.  
  
"Do you find this funny, Duo?"  
  
"I find life funny, Doctor Burnett. Doctor Burnett, do you ever laugh?"  
I mock the way she talks, very pronounced and always sure to address   
by name.   
  
"This is serious, Duo. You're depressed and suicidal and you need help.  
I can't help you unless you meet me half way."  
  
It's a speech right out of a textbook. I shrug, "So what do you want   
to talk about?"  
  
"Let's talk about what happened. Tell me everything you remember."   
She's got her notepad out, pen ready.  
  
I cross my arms in a pout and lay across the chair, legs dangling off   
the side. "How about you. Where you were the night of December 7, AC   
205?"  
  
The doctor sighs, writing something down and fixing me with a   
disappointed look. "This isn't about me, Duo, this about you. Have   
you been taking your medication?"  
  
I took to my watch, "'bout to take another dose in a few minutes.   
Actually three, they have me on three pain-killers. Feel great, a bit   
fuzzy. Side-effects," I laugh, "hey, are hallucinations a side-effect?"  
  
"Are you having hallucinations, Duo?"  
  
"If I say yes, will you leave?"  
  
The doctor folds her hands over her knees. Navy and white this time.   
Looks better on her than maroon and cream. Ice cream. I want ice cream.  
They're supposed to give you ice cream when your sick. "We're not   
going to play that game, Duo."  
  
"I want ice cream."  
  
She stares at me, then nods to the kitchen. She follows me as I go and   
fumble around, somehow getting the bowl down and the ice cream out,   
fortunately it's not very heavy. I stand there for a moment, looking   
at the scoop and the carton. I know I don't have enough dexterity in   
my fingers to actually scoop ice cream out. Dammit. It's just me and   
the doctor, and damned if I let her help me. I put all the things   
back, even the spoon, since it's not too dirty. "I thought you wanted   
ice cream?"  
  
"Yeah, but lunch is..." I look at the clock, mercifully it's   
reasonably close to noon for this excuse to work, "I don't want to   
ruin my appetite."  
  
"Can't even scoop ice cream, can you?"  
  
"Shut up!" I snap, walking around the counter to face her. She's about   
eye-level. "Hey, sorry, just forget it, okay? I didn't really want it   
anyways. So, session over yet?"  
  
"You have a lot of anger, Duo. Were you trying to vent that anger?"  
  
I stare at her, then burst into laughter, "Me? Doc, I'm about the   
least angry person you're gonna meet in this house. Well, maybe Quatre,  
but he did flip out that one time and start blowing stuff up. Heero,   
Wufei, now there's your anger. Heero's always angry." My voice softens,  
betraying my feelings, but I grin at the doctor for cover.   
  
She nods as if everything makes sense to her, "You're angry at Heero?"  
  
The hell. "Aren't you listening? I'm not angry."  
  
She looks meaningfully at my arms, which I hide behind my back. I don't  
like the look in her eyes. "What do you want?"  
  
"I want to help you."  
  
"What do you want from me?"  
  
"I want you to be honest with me, Duo, and answer my questions."  
  
I wander back into the livingroom and lay across the couch, folding my   
arms over my chest in stereotypical shrink position. "And if I answer,   
will you leave me alone?" She just looks at me. I sigh. I don't want   
to tell anyone, I just want to forge the whole thing and move on. I've   
gotten far worse wounds in the war. Hell, Heero's not one to talk,   
he's tried to kill himself more than I have! I think everyone tries   
at somepoint or another. Why's everyone so worked up over me?  
  
Because, you idiot, this is peacetime. If you were going to kill   
yourself you should have done it during the war. "I don't really want   
to talk about it."  
  
"All right, Duo. What do you want to talk about?"  
  
"Do you play chess?"  
  
"Do you want to play chess?"  
  
"Do you like ice cream?"  
  
"Are you mad you couldn't get ice cream?"  
  
"Are you gay?" I ask with a grin, having fun with this little game.  
  
"No."  
  
I laugh, "That wasn't a question! I win."   
  
The doctor sighs and stands up, still glaring at me off the tip of her   
nose. I grin up at her. "I have infinite amounts of patience, Duo." I   
watch her leave, and in the silence I can hear her talking to Heero in   
just the other room. I creep over and press my ear to the door,   
listening. "He's very closed about it. Do you know what happened?"  
  
Silence. Heero must have shook his head, for she says, "Well, if you   
find anything more out tell me. I'm prescribing anti-depressants.   
Watch him, I still think he's capable of doing something...drastic."  
  
Bitch.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
For a moment I thought it was Heero, but it's got to be Quatre. I   
don't see Heero thanking very many people. I hear the front door close   
and I start to leave, but I suddenly hear something that stops me in   
my tracks, frozen, one foot about to move. Crying. Quatre's crying.   
Slowly, so not to alert them of me, I open the door a crack and look   
through. My eyes widen and see something I thought I'd never see.   
  
Heero is crying.   
  
I back away from the door, tripping over a table and crashing to the   
floor with a lamp, which shatters just like the vase in the hospital.   
I scramble to my feet and I'm bolting for the stairs by the time Quatre  
and Heero come into the livingroom.  
  
"Duo!"  
  
I keep running, running away from Heero's tears. I'm drowning in them,   
salty, raw with pain. My pain. He's screaming, I'm screaming, there's   
blood everywhere. The mirror's broken. Pain, so much pain. The lamp   
broke, just like the vase, just like the mirror. Everything's breaking.  
My heart's breaking.  
  
I see Trowa's startled face on the top step, but I don't really see   
him until we collide.  
  
Someone shouts my name.  
  
I'm falling.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
My first ever Gundam Wing fanfic. After extensive discussion with   
Katie, I feel pretty good about it. Feedback/reviews are very much   
appreciated! More chapters coming.  
Baka - idiot  
Hai - yes  
  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	2. Fallen Dreams

LSE // 7-13-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Two: Fallen Dreams)  
rated: PG-13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Fallen Dreams  
  
  
  
  
I'm falling.   
  
Then, I should stop falling. I start to put my hand out, to stop  
myself, but remember that wouldn't be the best of things to do.   
Instead I brace for impact, but I'm still shaken by the strength of   
my shoulder and head hitting the stairs. I'm tumbling, now.   
Everything's spinning above me as I fall down the stairs, my braid   
smacking into my face. Someone grabs me, stopping my roll just over   
halfway down.  
  
It's a scary thing, I've never fallen down the stairs before. I've   
been blown up, shot, you name it. I'm a walking disaster. But I've   
never fallen down the stairs. And it's scary. Very, very scary.   
  
At first I'm so scared I can't even move, much less make sense of why   
someone's yelling at me. It must be Heero. I woozily open my eyes and   
find blue eyes above me, but they're Quatre's soft ones, not my l  
over's hard, steel blue. Where's Heero? It's then that I see him,   
standing at the foot of the stairs. I'm shocked. Hurt. Heero didn't   
try and save me. He didn't even move. He's staring at me, no emotion   
on his face.  
  
"Duo! Are you okay? Duo!"  
  
I try and give Quatre a shaky laugh and succeed, "Oi, Trowa, you   
should cut your hair if you can't see around it," I tease, meeting   
horrified green eyes. No one laughs. No one even grins. They just   
look at me, stunned. Shocked. God, I'm not made of glass. I want to   
scream at them. I'm not going to break because of some stupid fall!  
  
As if to prove it I stand on my own, dismissing Quatre and Trowa's   
help. "I'm fine, really!" I insist. Quatre points to my arm, my left   
arm. Fresh blood is blooming below the gauze. "Don't worry, I'll take   
care of it." They don't look convinced. I look to Heero again, he's   
still just staring at me. He looks angry.   
  
"You broke the lamp." He says at last. His statement is met with   
stunned silence, as Quatre recalls why they were chasing me in the   
first place. Trowa looks slightly confused, but doesn't say anything.  
  
"I knocked the table on accident."  
  
He doesn't believe me. "That was my favorite lamp. The one you hated.   
You broke it."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry. I didn't see which lamp was on the table, it was an   
accident. Christ, just chill out!" I suddenly can't look at him   
anymore, I can't look at any of them. At Quatre's concerned face, or   
Trowa's stupid hair, or even Wufei, and I don't even know where he is.  
"I didn't mean to break the lamp!"  
  
"Just like you didn't mean to break the vase?"  
  
"You wouldn't wake up!" I protest, staring at Heero. Quatre is slowly   
making his escape, grabbing Trowa's hand on his way. I don't care if   
they stay, let them see what a jerk Heero's being. "It was an   
accident!"  
  
And then Heero says it. "Just like the mirror?" He asks quietly, so   
quietly I want to believe I didn't hear it.   
  
What can I say to that? I beat my retreat without a word, shoving   
past Trowa and a startled Wufei, just coming out from his room to see   
what all the noise was.   
  
My room, our room, is a temporary sanctuary. A small part of me wants   
to finish the job. That scares me. Terrifies me to my very core. I   
don't really want to die. My left arm needs changing, and I need a   
shower. I'd rather just use the shower in here than go out into the   
hallway again. I shut the door and start to lock it, but the latch it   
broken, destroyed when Heero kicked it open. The tiles... God, the   
tiles are stained...  
  
I won't look at the tiles. I quickly rip off the bandages, pausing to   
look at the chaos I inflicted on them. I'm oddly proud. I take my hair  
out of it's braid, letting the chestnut waves gather around my knees.   
I'm proud of how long my hair is. I'm proud of my hair and oddly proud  
of my arms. There will be scarring.  
  
The water feels good, steamy. I closed my eyes and let the water   
splash across my chest, breathing deeply. I'm careful not to let my   
arms get a direct blast of water, I only gingerly splash a little   
water on them and hope for the best. The idea of shampoo in the wounds  
is extremely unappealing, so I skip it. I just let myself relax.  
  
I wonder what time it is.   
  
I've forgotten to take my medicine.   
  
Why is Heero so...  
  
It feels so good in the shower. I sit in the small stall, bringing my   
knees to my chest so I'll fit. The door fits snugly, a frosted glass   
pane separating me from the outside world. It's comfortable, relaxing.  
I rest my chin on my knees. I'm tired. My eyes close for a little   
rest...  
  
It's dark.  
  
I'm cold.  
  
Someone's calling me.  
  
It's safe here.  
  
I'm at peace.  
  
They're calling me.  
  
"Duo!"  
  
I wake with a start, my head jerking of my knees as I look around,   
confused. I fell asleep... It occurs to me I've been in the shower a   
very long time. The water is ice cold, I'm shivering.   
  
The door slams open as whoever it is realizes it's not locked.  
  
"Duo!" The shower door also opens, Heero staring down me as I look   
guiltily up. "Fuck, Duo! You scared me..." He breaks off, face once   
again turning to stone.   
  
I stand stiffly, turning the freezing water off. "I fell asleep."  
  
Heero steps back as I grab a fluffy white towel and step out, holding   
it to me to stop the shivers. Damn it's cold.  
  
"You're lips are blue."  
  
"The hot water ran out," I bend over and let my hair topple to the   
ground, securing the towel around it and twisted. Straightening, I   
grab another towel and arrange the first one atop my head, like the   
women do.   
  
Heero's staring at me, face gone pale. Correction, he's staring at my   
arms. I don't feel proud of them anymore. I feel awful. I ignore him   
and go into the bedroom, throwing open the closet and looking at my   
clothes. Instead of my usual pseudo-priest outfit, I pick out black   
jeans and the biggest black sweatshirt I've got. I want to hide my   
bandages, but I don't want anything touching them. I feel Heero's   
eyes on me as I dress, but somehow I know he's not getting any joy   
out of it. Usually he likes to watch me dress. Says it's sexy.  
  
Once dressed I sit on the bed and fish out a handful of gauze.   
  
"Do you want me to?" Heero asks, still staring horrified at my arms,   
exposed since I've rolled the sleeves up.  
  
"I can do it."  
  
I'm shivering. No, I'm shaking. It hurts. My arms are aching, I'm   
sensitive to the lightest touch of gauze, I can't do it. The gauze   
falls to the floor and I just sit there, looking at it.   
  
"Duo..."  
  
I take another roll of gauze out and grit my teeth, wrapping it   
quickly, ignoring the waves of pain. I get the left arm done easily   
enough, and soon my right arm is fluffy with gauze. I sigh in relief,   
even though both arms are protesting loudly. I need more drugs.  
  
To my surprise, Heero kneels in front of me and takes my hand in his,   
holding my arm out. He looks at it freshly bandaged, as if he can't   
believe the horrific damage that lays beneath. "Why."  
  
It's not really a question.  
  
At least he's talking to me. I look away, giving a halfhearted   
attempt to pull my arm free. He releases it without a fight. Delaying   
the inevitable, I search through the hospital bag and find the three   
bottles of pills. Heero silently goes and gets my a glass, and I   
remember the other day in the hospital when he gave me a drink.   
Fortunately, I don't drool it all over my front this time.  
  
"One, two, three!" I say cheerfully out loud, downing the pills.   
  
But Heero is gone.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Darkness, all around me, everywhere.   
  
Darkness in my soul.  
  
I'm crying, and no one cares. They lust for my cries.  
  
My blood.  
  
My blood is everywhere. I can smell it, I can taste it, metallic.  
  
It hurts. God, it hurts. Please, it hurts. Stop.  
  
Stop! No!  
  
Nooooooo!  
  
I suck cold air into my lungs with a great gasp, struggling against   
the bonds that hold me. Above me, eyes glint in the dim moonlight.   
"No!" I scream, head whipping from side to side in blind panic.  
  
"Duo! It's okay! Duo!"  
  
"He...Heero?"  
  
"Yes! Duo, it's just a dream. Okay? Duo, it's a dream." The pressure   
eases off my shoulders as Heero sits back, his breath almost as fast   
as mine, which is out of control, like my heart. "It's a dream."  
  
"Dream." I repeat, feeling the word in my mouth. I take another deep   
breath, which turns into a strangled sob. God, just a dream.   
  
Nightmare.  
  
"Okay?"  
  
I nod a little, turning away from him and curling into a ball. I try   
to take a calming breath. I can feel Heero's eyes burning into the   
back of my head. God, just a nightmare. I tangle my fingers around   
the cross, squeezing it tightly.   
  
"Duo..." Heero sighs. I can't read the emotion in his voice.  
  
There's a knock on the door. A bit of light floods into the room and   
Wufei's head pops in. He's right next door. Was I screaming?   
"Everything okay in here? Yuy? Maxwell?"  
  
"Fine." Heero says. My back is to the door, so I can't see if they're   
having a nonverbal conversation. I imagine Wufei's circling his index   
finger around his temple, 'Cuckoo! Duo's crazy!'  
  
The door closes and I hear Wufei's muffled voice repeating the   
information. To Quatre and Trowa, who were no doubt in the middle of   
love. It's painful, having Heero so close, yet there's nothing I can   
do. He hates me. I hate me.  
  
THe bed squeaks as Heero get up. The side table lamp goes on, a soft   
light illuminating the room. I duck my head lower, blocking the   
brightness out. Illumination. Hallucination. Perspiration. A sheen of   
sweat sticks my hair to my face, I think some of might not be sweat   
but tears. Just a nightmare.  
  
"Here."  
  
I lift my head, squinting to see what Heero's holding out. Pills. I   
check my watch and, sure enough, it's medicine time. The alarm goes   
off, delayed reminder. Four in the morning. I fetch the glass of   
water from my side table and take the pills. I start to take them all   
at once, but stop, looking more closely at the little round tablets.   
Red. Yellow. Green... and blue. "Four. But I only take three."  
  
Heero climbs back into bed, turning off his light. "Now it's four."  
  
The blue must be the anti-depressant the doctor was talking about.   
I'm tempted to not take it, but I'm tired and it's late and I don't   
really care if I take one more pill or not.   
  
Heero's back is to me. We usually spoon together, and he holds me and   
brushes aside my hair and whispers in my ear all those things he never  
says except when we're alone. But he'll never do that again, because   
I was stupid. Baka. It doesn't sound the same as when he calls me it.   
He almost caresses the insult. I want him to call me an idiot. Odd.  
  
Maybe I'll die from the combination of medicines.  
  
The doctor will be in lots of trouble.  
  
Heero will cry.  
  
No.  
  
Heero doesn't cry.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: A big thank you to Katie and Savannah, the former for   
always being there, the latter for fueling my passion for yaoi.  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated! (Thank you so much for   
all the positive reviews I've recieved!) More chapters coming.  
  
Baka - idiot  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	3. Something Better

LSE // 7-15-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Three: Something Better)  
rated: PG-13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
(If you are reading this on ff.net and were trying to get chapter one:  
http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=841862&chapter=1)  
  
  
Something Better  
  
  
  
  
"Duo."  
  
I turn, half dressed, and find myself being studied by intense blue   
eyes. "Yeah?"  
  
Heero looks at me, I can tell he's struggling for words. It's hard for  
him sometimes, to tell me things. My heart leaps, I think he must be   
trying to tell me something emotional. Maybe he wants to forgive me.   
I try to smile encouragingly. His face darkens and he turns away,   
"Don't forget to take your medicine at eight."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"What's the blue one for?"  
  
Doctor Burnett looks at me curiously, innocently. I imagine someone's   
filled her in with all the little details of the previous day's   
events. Yippity skippity. I'm mildly surprised she hasn't brought in   
a straight jacket. I'm laying across the couch even though she insists  
she doesn't practice free-association.  
  
"What blue one, Duo?"  
  
"The pill, doc, the pill. I was taking three for pain, now I'm got   
four. Unless the doctor upped my dose in attempt to kill me..."  
  
"It's just something I added to... help you."  
  
"Prozac?"  
  
"MAO inhibitor."  
  
I pretend as if I know what that is and nod. "Of course."  
  
"Do you often fall asleep in showers?"  
  
"Only the really comfortable ones."  
  
I hear the pen moving across the paper. "Do you want to tell me what   
the nightmare was about?"  
  
"I don't remember," I lie.   
  
The pen pauses, we both know I'm lying. She tries a different tactic,   
"What was your childhood like?"  
  
I close my eyes and sigh. I'm tempted to just remain silent. Maybe   
she'll think I fell asleep. I'm being bribed, you know. Quatre. Damn   
him. I think he's sneakier than any of us could ever dream.  
  
/He corners me, those huge blue eyes burning into mine. "She's just   
trying to help you, Duo."  
  
I sigh. Sometimes I wish I could be Trowa. They're just so perfectly   
cute and... No, it's Heero I love. "What about my childhood?"  
  
Silence. Question time over. Doesn't practice free association my ass.  
I want to play with her, give her wrong information. Tell her I'm   
plotting to kill Relena. Kill Heero. Kill everyone.   
  
Shinigami.  
  
So, I tell her, just to see what she'll say. I tell her about growing   
up, orphaned on the streets of the L2 colony cluster. I describe Solo   
to her, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. I don't tell her about the   
massacre. I stop, leaving my story with me and my braided hair   
happily living in the Maxwell Church.  
  
"Didn't the Maxwell Church burn to the ground, killing everyone   
inside?"  
  
"You're just full of tact, aren't you? Yes, the Federation blew it   
up." Why the hell am I telling her this? The blue pill. Those damn   
blue pills. Truth serum? No, I lied to her about the dream. Hell,   
maybe I want to scare her. I remember a story I once heard, a long   
time ago. "This girl comes to school one day with slashes across her   
wrists. She's asked about it, you know what she says? 'The knife   
slipped while I was cooking.'"  
  
"Pardon?" The doctor says, taken back by this sudden announcement.   
She probably thinking we're making some sort of break through. As if   
me telling her about my childhood is prompting me to discover my   
inner self or some such nonsense.  
  
"They believe her. 'The knife slipped' HA!" I laugh, turning to look   
at the doctor. I think I've scared her. I can just see the questions   
forming on her toung.  
  
"And what happened to the girl, Duo?"  
  
"Oh, well, she tried it again, of course. They always try again."   
Oops, that sounded bad! I want to laugh and tell her I'm just fooling,  
I didn't mean to say that to her. I don't care. I think I might want   
her to flip out on me. I want to see her lose her composure.   
  
I want to make Heero feel something besides anger.  
  
"And then they got her help?"  
  
"Oh, no. She used something better. Bigger."  
  
"A bigger knife?"  
  
"A gun."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Heero shot a suspicious glance to the kitchen, "He actually said   
that?"  
  
Doctor Burnett nodded, looking to her notepad. She read aloud the   
last little bit of the conversation. Heero scowled, either Duo was   
seriously sick or had one very twisted sense of humor. Then again,   
Duo's jokes had always been a little morbid.   
  
"I think you might want to investigate more... stable living   
arrangements for Duo."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
The doctor adjusted her glasses with slender fingers, taking a moment   
before answering. "Maybe it's time to consider institionalizing Duo."  
  
Heero stood, glaring down at her, "Duo isn't crazy!"  
  
"'They always try again?' Do those sound like the words of a sane   
man?" The doctor asked, eyes narrowing.  
  
"You don't know Duo!"  
  
"It's possible you've been ignoring his symptoms of depression   
because of your feelings, but you need to think about what is best   
for Duo. Do you want him to try again?"  
  
"No!" Heero looked once more to the kitchen. He can hear Duo's   
laughter, but it has a note of desperation to it. Like a dying man.   
He shuddered at the thought. "No, I don't," He said, quietly sitting   
once more. "Have you found out why?"  
  
"It's my job to determine whether or not Duo has some sort of   
psychological problem, then suggest the proper treatment. I was   
willing to give him the benefit of a doubt, but Duo is obviously very   
disturbed. You say he refers to himself as the God of death? This,   
Shinigami?"  
  
"You don't understand. It was during the war."  
  
Doctor Burnett stood, gathering her notepad to herself, "Mister Yuy,   
I can only tell you what I know, it's up to you to believe me. In my   
opinion, Duo needs more help than I can give him. He needs to be   
placed in a hospital. Good day."  
  
Heero sat there in silence, rolling the doctor's words over in his   
mind. Duo, cheerful, funny, smiling Duo, what happened? As he had   
done a thousand times before, he mentally sorted through the painful   
events.   
  
/"What's this?" Heero asked, gently touching the gash above his   
lover's eye.  
  
/"Nothing," Duo laughed, slightly embarrassed, "I wasn't watching   
where I was going and, uhm, ran into a pole." He laughed again,   
cocking his head in that trademark Maxwell grin.  
  
/"Only you," Heero cracked a slight smile, shaking his head and   
turning away. "At least put something over it, for me?"  
  
/"Sure, koi."  
  
That was just like Duo. Heero could easily picture him wandering   
blindly into a pole. Although, now that he thought about it, Duo had   
seemed sort of odd afterwards. Could he have jostled something loose   
in his brain? The cut didn't look all that bad.  
  
Heero stood, mashing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. All his   
black spandex shorts were in the wash. Looking down, he realized he   
was wearing one of Duo's only non-black pieces of clothing. All black.  
That seemed important. No, Duo wore all black in memory of the   
Maxwell church, because the children there were dressed like priests.   
  
He turned suddenly, hearing a startled shriek from the kitchen. He was  
already running through the house when Quatre burst through the   
connecting door, "Heero!"  
  
"What?" Heero asked, grabbing the smaller man's shoulders. He gave   
him a slight shake, not liking to panicked look he was receiving.  
  
"Duo--" The words cut off as he released Quatre and threw himself   
into the kitchen door. He froze instantly, eyes locked on his black-  
clad lover. Duo turned, mouth opening as if to say something, but   
quickly closing when he saw it was Heero, not the slim Arabian.   
  
"Fuck!" He swore under his breath, eyes traveling away from the wide   
violet eyes and locking on the sleek firearm held at his side.   
"Duo..."  
  
Duo raised the gun, "Gomen, koi..."  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry for the cliffhanger. I promise the next chapter   
will be very soon. I'm pleased with the progress so far, about a   
chapter a day!  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated! More chapters coming.  
Some people might be confused as to the use of the "/". Any paragraph   
that begins with the backslash is a flash-back.  
free association - psychological method used by Freud, where the   
patient talks about anything and everything, including painfull   
experiences. The logic being that after months - years - of this, the   
patient will start moving towards mental health.  
  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	4. Cry Once Again

LSE // 7-15-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Four: Cry Once Again)  
rated: PG-13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Cry Once Again  
  
  
  
  
They're talking about me. I have the strongest urge to sneeze. I want   
to eavesdrop, but the disaster last time I did so holds me back.   
Instead I throw open another cabinet, growling in disgust at the food   
hidden up inside. Where's the ready-made stuff? Cookies, dammit, I   
want cookies!  
  
Trowa walks past me, a curious look on his face. He leans against the   
kitchen counter, watching me for a moment. I turn and look at him. I   
can only see the one emerald eye, and that's kinda freaky. "What?" I   
wince the harsh tone.   
  
Get a grip, Duo, you don't snap at friends!   
  
He doesn't answer, he simply shakes his head and leaves. I throw   
open the next cabinet, pushing aside the cereal boxes. If we only had   
milk... I pause, leaning forward to get a better look inside. Christ,   
what's THIS doing in there? I reach behind the Frosted Wheat Squares   
and pull free the gun. Which paranoid ex-pilot hid this up in there?  
  
Probably Trowa, or maybe Wufei. I turn the firearm over in my hands,   
studying it carefully. It's unloaded, the bullets must be hidden   
elsewhere. I hear a soft noise behind me and turn. Quatre's standing   
there, the door leading into the garage closing behind him. "Oh, hi   
Quatre." He's pale. "Hey, you okay?"  
  
I step towards him and he jumps back with a startled yell. He flees   
the kitchen. Too late I realize he was staring at the Baretta. I turn   
back to the cabinets. Maybe if I put it back they won't get too upset.  
I hear Quatre's voice again, and the kitchen door slams open.  
  
I turn, ready to protest my innocence, but it's not Quatre but Heero.   
Shit. His eyes are wide, I realize he's actually scared of me and   
shudder.   
  
"Fuck!" Heero says, his eyes moving to stare at the gun. "Duo..."  
  
Can't have Heero telling everyone I snapped, can I? I lift the gun,   
"Sorry, love," I say.  
  
Heero jumps back, slamming into the wall, eyes widening even further   
and... oh, God, his hands went for his gun, but he hasn't worn a   
weapon in years. Christ, he was going to shoot me! "Don't!" He yells   
at me, "Put it down!"  
  
"Heero? Really, I'm sorry for having scared you. Here..." I implore,   
holding the gun out again. "I found it in the cabinets. Guess Wufei   
thought the cereal needed protection."  
  
He's staring at me. The scared look he's giving me slowly fades,   
replaced by the empty anger I'm so use to. Since he won't take the   
gun, I set it on the counter. "Come on, Heero, you didn't think I'd   
actually hurt you?"  
  
No answer.  
  
My eyes widen, "Heero? Heero, I'd never hurt you!"  
  
To my great relief, Heero suddenly nods, stepping away from the wall.   
"I know..." He shakes his head, "It's just you're so different now.   
Duo..." The distance between us closes and he's pressed against me,   
face buried in my shoulder. His arms circle me tightly, "I didn't   
think you'd hurt me... I was terrified you'd hurt yourself."  
  
"Oh, Heero..."  
  
"I love you, Duo, I love you," He mumbles into my shoulder. His   
shoulders shake with silent sobs, and I feel tears running down my   
own cheeks.   
  
I hug him tightly back, pressing my lips to his hair. "Heero..."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Quatre eased the door closed and backed away, cheeks rapidly tinting   
towards bright pink. Wufei crossed his arms and waited impatiently for  
a report, "Well? Has Maxwell finally lost it?"  
  
"They made up," Quatre said happily, taking Trowa's hand into his own.   
  
"They made up?" Wufei repeated flatly, moving towards the door.   
  
Quatre's other arm shot out and gently stopped him. "No, leave them   
alone. It's... personal."  
  
"Oh. Oh! Oh, that's just sick. I have to eat in there!"  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"It's nearly four."  
  
"So?" I murmur, reaching back to lightly tracing Heero's jaw. "Oh. In   
a minute," I say, looking to my side table, to the four pill bottles.   
Heero hugs me closer to him, the curve of my back nestling against   
his chest. The alarm on my watch goes off as the digital face clicks   
over to 4:00. We'll have to get up eventually and face the others for   
dinner. Unless we just stay hidden away upstairs. I'm sure I've got   
food somewhere in the dresser.  
  
Grumbling, I roll free of Heero's embrace and pop open my meds. I   
pause just before taking the blue pill, looking to Heero with a   
slight shrug as I down it like the rest.   
  
Heero pulls me away from the table and into his lap, nuzzling his   
mouth against my neck to make me laugh. I lean back against his   
shoulder and he strokes a hand down my chest, gathering the loose   
fall of chestnut hair. It's unbraided, and slightly tangled. He runs   
his fingers through it like a comb, "Your hair's nice."  
  
Although his voice is no longer filled with emotion, it's not empty,   
either. For a moment it feels like everything's normal once more,   
but I can sense the difference still. We're just avoiding the subject.  
  
"Maybe too nice," I mutter, but he doesn't hear me. I stop his   
combing by taking his hand in mine, forcing him to feel the bandages.   
"I can't tell you everything just yet...but will you trust me?"  
  
"Duo?"  
  
"I's sorry, Heero, I really am. I never meant..." my voice falters, I   
can't continue without breaking into tears again, so I skip over the   
difficult parts, "Please, give me another chance?"  
  
"Baka," he whispers in my ear. "Doctor Burnett... She thinks you need   
to be institutionalized."  
  
"What?" I sit up, turning to face Heero, "You don't agree with her,   
do you?"   
  
"No, I don't. I'm just telling you what she thinks. Duo, I won't let   
them put you away, okay? I promise."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I trust you. I won't let them take you."  
  
"Heero!" I hug him fiercely.  
  
He strokes my hair again, caressing the long chestnut strands. "I   
won't give up on you, Duo."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"One, two, three..." I look over to Heero, "four?"  
  
He nods.  
  
I sigh and take the blue pill as well. Despite his promises yesterday,  
which I fully believe, he's making me take the anti-depressants. MAO   
inhibitors, or whatever that doctor said. At least I won't be seeing   
her anymore. Score one for Maxwell.  
  
They have yet to replaced the mirror in our bathroom, but someone, I   
suspect Quatre, bought a mat to put over the stains. It feels good,   
fuzzy. I'm happy, things are getting back to normal. No one's giving   
me sideways glances or suspicious looks anymore, and Heero... I sigh   
contentedly, padding out of the bathroom. "Are you going to braid my   
hair?" I ask, sitting on the bed.  
  
Heero sits beside me, taking my hair, still damp from the shower, and   
skillfully plaiting it. My arms are still wrapped securely, I knew   
it'd bother Heero so I did that before I came out of the shower.   
  
Once he finishes we share a quick kiss and I go to get dressed. "When   
was the last time we did laundry?"  
  
"Make Wufei do it."  
  
"'Injustice! Laundry is for onna!'" I mimic, tugging my boxers on.   
"Trowa, it's his turn isn't it?"  
  
"Probably."  
  
Heero's arms circle by waist, I turn, shirtless and black jeans   
unzipped, and playfully rap my fingers on his shoulder, "Now how am I   
supposed to get dressed with you distracting me?"  
  
"Simple. Don't dress."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Can I take ibuprofen?"  
  
Quatre looks up, "On top of three painkillers? Absolutely not."  
  
I sigh, but I have to admit Quatre has a point even if he didn't   
mention the fourth pill. I'm amazed that combination hasn't killed   
me yet. Still, I want something more. "What's wrong?" Heero asks,   
catching sight of my face.  
  
"Oh, just a headache. Probably from hitting the headboard."  
  
Heero slowly turns red, "Oh, yes, yes..." he says with a cough.   
Quatre and Trowa exchange looks, turning red as well.   
  
I look to the clock above the dinning table. It's just past one in   
the afternoon. The remains of our lunch are being put away by a very   
angry Wufei, muttering insults under his breath. 'Injustice. Washing   
dishes is for onna.' I can hear him saying that.  
  
"I'm going to go lay down. Someone come wake me at four."  
  
I go upstairs and sit on our bed. It feels like someone's pounding   
against my temple. I look to the headboard. I hit it with the back of   
my head, so why is the pain elsewhere? Hell, that could be normal.   
I'm not a doctor. I sigh and lay back, feeling the ache subside a   
little as long as I don't move my head any.  
  
It's quiet, peaceful. I hear footsteps and a head pokes into the room.  
"All right?"  
  
"Fine." I'm laying across the bed almost sideways, my head facing the   
door. Heero pauses for a moment in the doorway, then turns and goes   
down the hall to the office. After a while I can hear the rapid clicks  
of him typing. I could start screaming and he'd never notice, that's   
how absorbed he can be in that laptop.  
  
My eyes close.  
  
The pain in my head dulls, coming in almost gentle waves. It's a dim   
discomfort.  
  
I sleep.  
  
And I dream.  
  
...  
  
It's dark.  
  
Not natural dark, but shadows. The buildings soar high above,   
blocking the sun. What lurks in the shadows?  
  
I can't see.  
  
I move by touch.  
  
Mole. I am a mole underground, this is my home. I feel safe despite   
the dangers. I feel the need.  
  
It is bright ahead, my journey is ending. The passage behind me is   
long, the space in front decreasing. I approach the light, the sound.   
Traffic in the street. Pedestrians. I've cut time using this shortcut.  
  
My passage between the giants. The towering buildings.  
  
This light before me fades, everything goes dark. I break into a run.   
Where has the light gone? Where is the street?   
  
Someone grabs me.  
  
I will scream.  
  
A hand over my mouth stops me. A hand on my braid guides me. Back,   
back into the shadows. A voice in my ear laughs. Harsh.   
  
I will fight.  
  
Someone hits me.  
  
The darkness overwhelms.  
  
...  
  
"Duo."  
  
I wake with a start, looking up at the pair of cobalt looking down at   
me. Another nightmare. Did I cry out?  
  
"It's four o'clock."  
  
Heero doesn't look concerned. He looks stoic. As usual. I nod and sit   
up, wincing as the pain in my head returns.  
  
"Do you still have a headache?"  
  
I nod, crawling across the bed for my medicine, "Feels like a bunch   
of hippos tap dancing on my skull. Or a brain slushie. Cherry   
flavored."  
  
"You're so weird," Heero says, shaking his head. I grin back at him.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: I hope I didn't lose anyone with the lovey-supportive   
Heero scenes. There's lost more angst coming. Duo fans will hate me...  
I'm using drugs available now even though this takes place in the   
future. If Zechs and Co. can walk around dressed like 18th century   
generals, Duo can take 21st century drugs.  
Baka - idiot  
onna - women  
Feedback/review greatly appreciated (Anonymous reviews now accepted!   
I hadn't realized I was blocking them) More chapters soon.  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	5. Running Into Darkness

LSE // 7-16-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Five: Running Into Darkness)  
rated: PG-13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Running into Darkness  
  
  
  
  
My only response to the ringing phone, laying not more than a meter   
from me, is to wince, barely lifting my head off the couch to glare   
at it. Once. Twice. Three rings. Grumbling, I haul myself off the   
couch, "Moshi moshi," I announce cheerfully into the receiver.  
  
"Hello, is Mister Maxwell in?"  
  
"Speaking."  
  
"This is Judy and I'm with Northwest Regional Hospital, please hold   
for Doctor Upminster."  
  
Heero appears in the doorway, mouthing, 'Who?'  
  
Covering the receiver with one hand, I reply, "Doctor Upminster? From   
the hospital?"  
  
"For you?"  
  
"Mister Maxwell?"  
  
"Yes -- Oh, hello doctor!" I wave a hand to acknowledge Heero, who   
nods and exits as quietly as he entered, "What can I do for you?"  
  
"I'm returning your call."  
  
"Oh, yes, right! Well, I've almost run out of the funny little pills,   
all three of them, when can I get the prescription refilled?"  
  
"You don't."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You don't need to refill the prescription, thirty of each should   
have lasted you five days. Correct?"  
  
"Er...yes, so I don't get anymore?"  
  
"I recommend an extra-strength over-the-counter pain reliever if   
you're still have problems."  
  
"Well, all right then! Thanks, doc."  
  
Hanging up the phone, I stare at it for a moment. Grabbing a pen and   
pad of paper, I quickly scrawl out the math. Four pills every four   
hours, that's six times a day...times five days... "Holy hell," I say   
out loud, looking at the number.   
  
I search for Heero and finally find him upstairs, "Hey, Heero, guess   
how many pills I've taken."  
  
He's typing on his laptop, but, miracle of miracles, he hears me and   
looks up, "How many?"  
  
"One hundred and twelve."  
  
He whistles and goes back to typing, "Still got a headache?"  
  
"Yeah," I grumble, putting a hand to my head, striking a dramatic   
pose, "Like a Cheery slush, my brain is turning slowly into...slush."  
  
"That's disgusting. Brains don't look like slush." I shrug and turn   
to go back downstairs. "Oh, Duo." The typing stops. I turn back   
around to face him. "You're still taking the blue ones?"  
  
"Still got a bunch left, so, yes."  
  
Heero looks back at the screen, "The headaches may be a side-effect.   
I've called someone to come look at you. You might not need them   
anymore. She's coming at three."  
  
"She? It's not Burnett, is it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good. She's crazy. I bet she's not even a real doctor. Psy-whats-it,   
even." I head back downstairs in search of food. My stomach grumbles   
protest at my skipping lunch with sleep.   
  
Shuffling through the refrigerator, I come up with a carton of take-  
out and a slightly brown banana. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd do the   
grocery shopping myself and get better food. Like cookies.  
  
Or cherries.  
  
I'm wearing long sleeves, it being winter and all, but I've ditched   
the gauze in favor of a large bandage around the more lethal looking   
of the wounds. There's a tiny scratch across the back of my hand, the   
only visible mark. Not bad. I try to count back the days and realize   
it's been seven. A full week. I feel I need some sort of   
acknowledgment, a cake maybe. A cookie.  
  
I label the banana my One Week treat and throw in it the blender   
after peeling. A quick raid of the icebox yields a carton of ice   
cream.  
  
I can scoop the ice cream now.  
  
A bit of milk and, because I'm feeling adventurous, a generous   
helping of chocolate syrup. I've used the blender before, but without   
the lid. That was a glorious disaster. I close my eyes and grit my   
teeth against the incredibly loud noises the blender screams out as I   
firmly hold the lid down.  
  
Hearing an appliance in activation, Quatre wanders into the kitchen.   
I look up and smile, turning off the blender, "Chocolate Banana   
Shake?" I offer, starting to pout myself out a cup.  
  
"That's disgusting."  
  
"Suit yourself," I lift the glass in mock toast and take a big sip.   
And choke. And spit my creation out into the sink. "Gah!"  
  
Quatre breaks into a grin, "When a banana is brown it generally   
doesn't taste very good. Plus the milk is past the expiration date.   
I better add that to the list..."  
  
So much for celebration.  
  
I've got an hour to kill before my appointment, so I go back to   
laying on the couch. My head is pounding, unappeased by the take-out   
and aggravated by the failed Banana Experiment.   
  
I grab the remote off the coffee table and flip the television on,   
scrolling past the normal daytime blah. The time passes quickly and   
before I know it my view is blocking by a cheerful looking young   
woman. "Duo?"  
  
I turn the television off and sit upright, "Yes. Please, take a seat.   
Preferably the recliner, no one likes it much anyways. I bet you can   
get a few bucks for it at the Goodwill."  
  
To my surprise, the doctor laughs at the joke. She sits in front of   
me, on the coffee table. "I'm Doctor Ruini, did Mister Yuy talk to   
you already?"  
  
"Yeah. So, you think I can ditch the MAO whatevers? Heero says   
they're giving me the headaches." She looks nice. She's dressed   
sensibly in a pair of jeans and a teal sweater. Her hair flows past   
her shoulders and down her back, it's gold, like Quatre's.  
  
Doctor Ruini smiles, "Not one for small talk, are we? What kind of   
medicine did you say you were taking? MAO inhibitors?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
The woman sits back, "I'm surprised this Doctor Burnett prescribed   
such a dangerous medicine. Although rare, the side-effects can include  
headaches, like you seem to be having, heart palpitations and even   
death!"  
  
"Woah."  
  
Reaching into her purse, the doctor pulls out a small notepad and   
writes something on it in typical illegible doctor writing, "Let's   
switch you over to a SSRI for now, less chance you'll develop a side-  
effect with those types of medicines. I can't tell you to ditch   
medicine all together and we've had a while to talk. When are you due   
for your next dose?"  
  
"Four."  
  
The doctor stands, offering me a hand, "Then let's go get these. I'll   
drive, you talk."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"...and the sailor says, 'Get your fork out of my potato!'"  
  
Doctor Ruini laughs, holding the door open for me, "Duo, you have a   
simply charming personality! Now, you only need to take two pills   
every six hours, instead of one every four. Okay? Two every six. Take   
three before you go to bed, but don't take anymore until morning."  
  
"Gotcha. When do I see you again? Do I see you again?" Heero comes up   
silently behind me, slipping a possessive arm around my waist.  
  
"I'll just see you on weekdays. At three. Take care!" the doctor says,  
turning and walk off in her black boots.   
  
I admire her car for a moment, it's a nice red sporty thing, then   
turn to Heero. I can't help it, I kiss him smartly on the lips. He's   
a bit surprised, but quickly gets over it. The kiss lengthens,   
deepens. I open my mouth more for him, sliding my tongue into his own.  
  
"Ahem."  
  
We whirl apart, faces almost as red as Wufei's. Blood is slowly   
dripping out of his nose. "There is no food in this house. We are   
going out to eat."  
  
"Oh, that's good. Isn't it?"  
  
"Yes, yes, indeed."  
  
"I think I will go get ready! Do you want to come help me pick out an   
outfit, Heero?"  
  
"Yes, yes, indeed"  
  
Wufei turns and goes to find a tissue for his bloody nose.  
  
-------------------------Four Days Later------------------------------  
  
I like ham.  
  
I wonder how much it is. Where's Heero? I want him to buy this.   
Cookies, I wanted cookies. Should I have added it to the list?   
There's a list? I want to see the list.  
  
This is the wrong aisle. These are baby food jars and pet supplies.   
Why do they put those two together? Maybe we should get a puppy.   
Heero and I. I like dogs. I had a dog one time. After the war. Heero   
and I. I and Heero. My and Heero's. Mine and Heero's.  
  
"There you are. Duo, I sent you to find cinnamon rolls, not dog   
biscuits."  
  
"They sell pig ears here. I wonder what they do with the rest of the   
pig?"  
  
"Probably eat it. Come on." Heero grabs my sleeve and leads me out   
of the aisle. Gillian's Aisle. Like the show. I'm so silly.  
  
Heero tells me to push the cart. My brain feels fuzzy. Not like a   
cherry slush anymore. Fuzzy. Warm and fuzzy. Like a puppy. Maybe we   
should get a puppy. Heero and I. I like dogs. I had a dog one time.   
After the war. "Cookies. Are we going to get cookies?"  
  
"Sure. Go pick out a kind. I'll be in frozen food." Heero says   
without looking up from the cans of vegetables. He always gets the   
best value. Why is it our turn to buy groceries? Isn't it Trowa and   
Quatre's turn?   
  
Are cookies in aisle three or four? Four. Fortune cookies. It must   
be four. I'm right, cookies everywhere. Which kind do I get? I like   
all kinda of cookies. Make me feel fuzzy. No, make me feel... Milk   
and cookies. Did we already get milk? I grab a bag of cookies.   
Chocolate chip. Not name-brand. Heero doesn't like name-brand. They   
brand cows with a name. Pigs? Do they brand pigs? They sell pig ears   
here.  
  
I find frozen foods. I do not find Heero. Where is Heero? Vegetables.   
Canned, not fresh. I backtrack, peering down every aisle. I've lost   
Heero. I loop around the entire store, maybe he was in fresh   
vegetables. Milk. Do we need milk? Eggs come from chickens.  
  
Moths. Something about moths. Moths lay eggs. Do chickens eat moths?   
How long does a moth live? I wonder if they're happy. I saw a   
television show about chickens. They looked happy. Here. Canned   
vegetables and no Heero. Frozen something. Ice cream. No Heero.  
  
Next aisle over, frozen food. No Heero. Didn't he say he'd be here?   
I've lost Heero. Maybe he left. Drove home. Left me here. Alone. The   
store will close. At least I won't starve. I should eat the cookies   
first, with milk. Actually, the more I think about it the more I like   
the idea of being lost in the grocery store. Plenty of food.  
  
I wander up and down the frozen foods, pacing. Heero, I want to   
shout. Maybe he went into one of the cases. I open the nearest case   
and stick my head in, but unlike dairy cases these end. I can't see   
the men in the back restocking, only a gray wall.  
  
"Excuse me...sir?"  
  
I quickly lift my head out and turn, finding a store manager standing   
there looking embarrassed. "Oh?" I say, for lack of anything better.  
  
"Have you lost something?" He asks politely. I think grocery store   
managers must be psychic. Magical. Mystical.  
  
"My friend, but we're meeting here. It's okay." I say with a grin.   
Very happy. Like a moth. Wait, I never found out if they were happy.   
I bet they're happy. If I were a moth, I'd be happy. I'd eat people's   
clothes and fly around shouting moth-y stuff.  
  
"Perhaps you'd like to page your friend?"  
  
"He doesn't wear a pager."  
  
"Over the sound system, I mean."  
  
I look up at the ceiling. White speakers fixed into the tiles are   
spreading soothing elevator-style music down on the shoppers below.   
If I were in charge of the sound system, I'd play something better.   
"No, we're meeting here. It's okay."  
  
The manager gives a mental shrug...if it's mental, how come I can   
see it? I've confused myself with my own imaging. Christ, that's   
talent... and he leaves.   
  
I can walk home from here, I realize suddenly. "Very un-funny, Heero,   
leaving me here."  
  
A lady looks at me strangely. I ignore her.  
  
It's cold outside. My coat's in the car, but the car's with Heero,   
where ever he ran off to. Great. Just great. I hug my arms tight to   
myself, hugging in the extra warmth, and brace against the wind,   
heading for home. It's not that long of a walk, five minutes tops,   
three if I hurry.  
  
It's getting dark. My imagination? No, it's actual darker than when I   
left the store. I check my watch. Five o' twenty-three. Twenty-four.   
If I left at five o' twenty, which I did, I checked my watch, then   
home should be... I turn the corner.  
  
Five minutes, if I take the shortcut.  
  
Between two tall buildings.  
  
My shortcut.  
  
I step towards the narrow space and pause. It's cold. The wind bites   
at my ears, tossing the free strands of hair about my face. How much   
longer of a walk if I don't take my shortcut? Five, ten? I don't know   
the way, I'll get lost. I'm starting to wish I hadn't left the store.   
I left behind the cookies, too. Maybe Heero will find them by the   
frozen food cases and know I didn't appreciate his joke.  
  
It darkens even more as I enter the alley. The buildings, they block   
out all the light. It's darker. Dark.  
  
I shuffle forward, not really wanting to.  
  
Are there rats? Was that a rat? Something's behind me. God,   
something's behind me. I break into a fast walk, I want out of here.   
Rats, just rats, okay? Just rats. I'm meeting my friend here. It's   
okay. Warm and fuzzy like a puppy, God, there's something behind me.   
Following me.  
  
Braid flying out into the wind.  
  
It's following me.  
  
I run.  
  
God.  
  
No.  
  
I scream.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Wow. I can't believe I wrote this in under an hour. I   
might get in another chapter tonight! (it's 2:14 in the morning right   
now) Katie, darling, Doctor Ruini wants to see you! *cackle*  
Uhm, these aren't really helpful notes, are they? Well, chapter five   
turned out beautifully, I better get started on chapter six.  
moshi moshi - Japanese telephone greeting  
Feedback/review greatly appreciated! More chapters soon.  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	6. Misplaced Trust

LSE // 7-17-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Six: Misplaced Trust)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Misplaced Trust  
  
  
  
Stepping out of the men's room, Heero gathered his cart and wheeled   
it off towards the food once more. If they could only see their   
Perfect Soldier now, docilely pushing a cart through a grocery store,   
his soldier's mind operating only on how to get the best buys. Since   
it was closest, he checked the snack aisle hoping to find Duo.   
  
He looked down the list made up five different people's handwriting.   
Wufei's stark lettering asked for potato chips. No kind specified.   
Heero spent a moment looking at the labels and went with plain, store-  
brand. One in twelve wins a free stick of gum. Next on the list,   
Trowa's handwriting politely pointed out the need for frozen dinners.  
  
He'd told Duo to meet up with him in frozen food. Crossing off   
Wufei's potato chips, he wheeled the cart towards the tall cases   
towards the middle of the store. Heero frowned, checking both aisles   
of freezers.  
  
In the middle of the aisle, leaning against the case, was a bad of   
cookies. Chocolate chip, Duo's favorite. Even though he knew it was   
irrational, Heero felt a wave of fear. Someone, he knew Duo wasn't in   
the store.   
  
"Excuse me, sir?" He started to glare, but instead nodded politely   
towards the store manager, indicating the man had his attention.   
"Are you looking for someone?"  
  
One eyebrow raised, "Yes. A young man with a long braid."  
  
The store manager cleared his throat, looking embarrassed. Heero   
narrowed his eyes in impatience. The manager offered a smile, "I'm   
afraid you just missed him. He left no more than a few minutes ago.   
Is he...all right? In the head, I mean."  
  
"Left? What do you mean he left?"  
  
"Went outside..."   
  
Heero abandoned his cart and ran past the manager and startled   
shoppers, nearly colliding with a housewife. He shoved past them all   
and burst into the parking lot, eyes scanning franticly. Their car   
was still there, Duo hadn't hot-wired it or anything like that. He   
approached it cautiously, peering inside. Duo's coat still lay over   
the back-seat.   
  
Going back inside, he found customer service and asked to use the   
phone. Taking a business card out of his pocket, he pressed nine to   
get an outside line and dialed.  
  
"Hello, offices of Doctor Ruini."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The street before me explodes in dazzling intensity of light. So   
bright. I'm running still. I scare a few people, bursting out into   
the street so suddenly. I don't look. I don't care. I have to get out   
the alley. I can't let it catch me.  
  
Out, into the street. Someone screams. Tires squeal.  
  
Time stops.  
  
The car hits me and I look up for one startled instant, my eyes   
meeting the driver's. And then I'm on the car's hood, metal beneath   
me. I roll into the windshield, it cracks but doesn't break.  
  
The car screams to a halt. I'm flying, tumbling off the hood. I drop   
to the ground with an empty thud. Pain explodes in my head. I smell   
blood.  
  
They're gathering around me, like vultures to the kill. They're   
talking. About me. Talking about me.  
  
The sky swirls black, everything's getting fuzzy. I can't hear them,   
I can't see them.  
  
The alley, I can see the alley. Darkness. Everywhere I turn.   
  
There is no escape.  
  
No. Escape. I must escape.  
  
The driver's talking, loudly, protesting it isn't his fault. There's   
a lady beside me, she tells me she's a nurse, asks if I'm all right.   
A little boy stares at me, I bet he thinks it's just so cool. His   
mother is whispering to the woman beside her. She saw the whole thing,  
she tells the woman, He just ran out, from there. She points to the   
alley.  
  
I stand up, the nurse is trying to get me to wait for an ambulance.  
  
I don't listen. I can't listen to her.  
  
I'm so confused.  
  
I tell her something, that I'm fine, I laugh. The crowd stares at me,   
did he just laugh, they ask another. I'm smiling, assuring the nurse   
and the driver. The driver is so relieved he hasn't killed me that he   
doesn't care that his wind shield is cracked.  
  
I stumble away despite the nurse's insistence.  
  
Our house is just beyond the park.  
  
I'm close to home, now.   
  
Our car is in the driveway, I can't wait to tell Heero his joke   
sucked. I'll tell him I knew right away, that as soon as he sent me   
for the cookies I knew he was setting me up. Another car is in the   
driveway. It is Saturday, why is the doctor at the house?  
  
I walk into the open garage and through the connecting door into the   
kitchen. Voices, talking loudly, in the living room grow quiet when I   
walk in. My Maxwell grin in place, I go into the living room.  
  
Heero jumps up out of his chair and the doctor stands as well.   
  
My head hurts, I tell them.  
  
Heero's pale, staring at me.  
  
Darkness everywhere.   
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I can hear them. It's a swirl of voices, a confusing maelstrom I must   
fight through. Consciousness looms just this side of reality, I float   
among the waves of black and red. The rising levels of pain subsiding,  
contracting, absorbing me into their fury.  
  
Someone dabs a wet cloth on my head, I turn away from the touch.  
  
Am I back at the hospital? The clean white walls and starched nurses,   
cold Heero and disgusting food. I want a roommate this time. They're   
still talking. I want to hear them. It's quiet except for their   
voices. I shove aside lingering haze and delve into consciousness,   
but recoiling, as the assault of pain drifts in.  
  
"He's been acting strange ever since the change in medication, could   
that be it?"  
  
"Possibly, but unlikely. He seemed to respond well to the MAO   
inhibitors, but that might have been nothing more than a moment of   
clarity. These things are tricky, Mister Yuy."  
  
"Can't we try the other medicine again?"  
  
"No. The side effects he was experiencing would only increase. Death   
would be a possibility down that road. The first suicide attempt,   
does anyone know why?"  
  
"He won't tell me, I've asked. This just isn't like Duo! He's not   
crazy."  
  
"Our brains are remarkable, Mister Yuy, but they aren't invincible.   
Perhaps the stresses of his life have finally caught up with him. You   
must admit his life was filled with more than enough pain."  
  
"The war..."  
  
"All the more reason. I'm afraid you have no other choice. He is   
clearly a danger to himself. You're very lucky nothing worse has   
happened yet."   
  
"I told him I wouldn't..."  
  
"I'm sorry, Mister Yuy."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I've thought of running.  
  
Running away, maybe out into space again, to the colonies. Back to   
the L2 colonies, back where I came from. I could get into the car and   
leave. I could find Hilde, she sent me a card like Christmas. She's   
like a sister to me.   
  
They'd catch me. I couldn't get downstairs without someone asking me   
questions. Doctor Ruini sent the order already. Heero signed it.   
Heero signed it while I was asleep. I haven't seen in since I came   
home. Saw his pale face. Heard him damn me to this hell.  
  
I'm supposed to me packing. Wufei's right outside in the hall, I can   
see him peek in every so often. I pick a handful of hair ties from   
the drawer and place them into my suitcase. I've already got   
underwear and socks. Jeans. I'll need sweaters and shirts. I'm   
wearing my standard black priest outfit already and have the   
duplicate packed away.  
  
Now that I have my clothes packed I don't know what to do. Could I   
crawl out the window? I imagine Trowa's outside patrolling or   
something. Heero keeps a gun under the bed. I bet he's forgotten it's   
under there. I could hold Wufei hostage, make my way into space.   
  
Or I could just kill them.  
  
Or myself.  
  
I won't do it, though, even as I think the horrible schemes I know I   
won't. I won't run, I won't get the gun. I'll pack my things and go   
downstairs and I'll let them put me away in a padded room and drug me   
up on reds, yellows, blues.  
  
Because Heero signed it already. Even though he promised, swore to   
me. He would never let them take me.  
  
And suddenly I don't care anymore what they do to me. Because Heero   
signed it, and it doesn't matter what I say. I'm not sure I want to   
stay. Because Heero signed my life away. Signed me into Hell.   
  
I've escaped the horrors of the war and had my ten good years with   
Heero, blissfully exploiting the joys of our love. The other shoe has   
dropped. All the people I've killed will laugh as they take me away,   
and the one person I always thought would be there for me sent the   
order for their mockery.  
  
I can't laugh my way free of this one.  
  
Wufei doesn't say anything. No one says anything. It's quiet. I look   
around the room for anything else I might want. Even though I hate   
him, even if he's forsaken me, I take a picture of me and Heero from   
its frame. I place it atop my clothes in the suitcase.  
  
In the silence of my doom, I pick up my baggage and go downstairs.   
I'll pretend it's a trip and Wufei is simply seeing me off, not   
escorting me like some prisoner. Because I am a prisoner. I feel as   
if I'm going to the electric chair. Doctor Ruini is waiting by the   
front door with Trowa, Quatre and... Heero.  
  
I stop before them. There's nothing I can say to them. They've   
already made it clear what they think. Quatre's tearing up, Trowa's   
still as stoic as ever. And Heero's avoiding looking at me.  
  
"I trusted you."  
  
Heero lifts his eyes to mine, that cool blue gaze settling without   
fear into my soul, "I trusted you."  
  
My hands clench into fists, "You promised."  
  
Heero looks away again, "It's for your own good."  
  
"You promised. You promised, Heero!"  
  
Doctor Ruini takes my suitcase. "We need to be leaving, Duo." I glare   
once more at Heero and follow her out the door.  
  
"I did it for you!" Heero shouts, starting to follow but stopping in   
the doorway.  
  
I turn to face the house as the doctor climbs into her car. "You gave   
up on me," I accuse, "even after you swore..." I shake my head,   
voicing choking off. I throw the suitcase into the back-seat and   
climb in. The door closes on whatever reply Heero makes.   
  
I stare out the window at him, however, as the car backs up.  
  
Ai shiteru, Heero...  
  
I look away to hide my tears.   
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far. The   
angst has been well received, so I don't feel bad for writing it. I   
have a feeling the rating might change pretty soon...  
I want to hear from you guys! If you have any questions, comments,   
complaints, whatever, please give me feedback or leave a review.  
If you like what you've read, tell me! More chapters coming.  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	7. Visiting Sanity

LSE // 7-18-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Seven: Visiting Sanity)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Visiting Sanity  
  
  
  
  
The walls are gray. Not white, not even eggshell, but full out dingy   
gray. They were white at something, I think, but they've absorbed the   
darkness and turned gray.  
  
Either that or they've never been cleaned.  
  
The room is small, cramped, not cozy. Two twin beds, one against each   
wall, two dressers, two side tables, two rugs. The room is almost   
perfectly mirror, except there's only one door, and it's positioned   
in the opposite corner as my bed.  
  
I don't know what I was expecting, but this certainly isn't it. There   
isn't an old man wandering the walls in his tighty whities screaming   
about the end of the world and the other patients have remarkable   
control over bodily functions. I haven't seen anyone drool.  
  
I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, braiding my hair. I'm getting a   
roommate today, which makes me happy because yesterday, my first day   
here, sucked major ass. Maybe my roommate will be a cute guy and   
we'll have brainless, crazy fucks and I'll make Heero jealous and   
he'll take me back. Or something like that.  
  
They've put me on a whole bunch of pills, I have no idea what kind.   
They seem to be working, at least, I don't have any headaches. Doctor   
Ruini is one of the doctors here, but I haven't seen her since I   
arrived yesterday.  
  
I guess it's not too bad. Once I look past the fact that I miss my   
friends and it's kinda depressing to realize I'm so messed up they   
needed to put me away somewhere. It's even worse that Heero was the   
one who did this to me. All right, actually it is that bad, but I can   
be optimistic, can't I?  
  
The door opens and a nurse leads my new roommate in. It's a girl,   
younger than me, and pretty. That is, she might be pretty. I think I   
might have lost the ability to judge the attractiveness of a female.   
Men, on the other hand...  
  
She throws her suitcase on the bed and glares at the nurse, who   
leaves. My roommate jerks open one of her dresser drawers and starts   
throwing clothes in. I realize she's doing the same thing I did when   
I first arrived.  
  
I guess we're all pissed as hell until they subdue us with medication   
and break our spirits with barred windows, starched white nurses and   
gray walls. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as I finish   
braiding my hair, taking my time.  
  
Once she's vented a little of her anger into her clothing, she sits   
on her bed and finally acknowledges me. "What?" She asks, with a   
glare.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Why are you staring at me?"  
  
"I'm just pleased I didn't get some drooling old man who yells about   
the British invading."  
  
"Freak," but she smiles slightly.   
  
"Duo Maxwell," I get up of my bed and offer her my hand. That's how   
small the room is. Our beds are separated by a little empty space and   
our side tables. Our rugs lay side-by-side between the beds.  
  
The girl looks at my hand for a moment. "Natasha Letoivsky. Sorry, I   
don't shake hands."  
  
I let my hand drop and shrug, "I don't square dance."  
  
She stares at me for a while before shaking her head with a slight   
laugh, "You're very weird."  
  
I just shrug and change the subject, "First day here?"  
  
"Twenty-sixth. So, why are you here?"  
  
I shrug, uncomfortable with the question. She doesn't get the hint   
and continues to stare at me, waiting. She is pretty, with tilted,   
almost catlike eyes that shine a very pale blue and striking black   
hair cut short around her chin. "Oh, the usual," I say lightly,   
"destructive tendencies and the whatnot. You?"  
  
"The government. You know, the whole Russian spy thing. Quite   
bothering sometimes." She nods knowingly, confidently. "My comrades   
will come break me out Thursday. I'm afraid you'll be getting a new   
roommate after that."  
  
I take another look at her, and I see she does look like a spy. Black   
turtleneck and tight fitting black pants. She's wearing black gloves   
and black socks. I half expect her to pull out a communicator and   
start a hostile takeover of a small European country. She also has a   
slight roll to her voice, a subtle accent.  
  
"Really? Sorry to hear that."  
  
"You are kind." She blinks those pale eyes at me and smiles, "Are you   
a spy?"  
  
"Nope, just your run of the mill ex-soldier."  
  
Natasha suddenly looks at her wrist, pushing back the dark sleeve to   
peer at a wrist watch. It's a pale pink and has a cartoon mouse on it.  
I stare at it without trying to look like I am. Somehow, I get the   
strangest feeling my roommate's completely crazy.  
  
And then it hits me. We're all crazy here. Everyone in this place   
that isn't wearing starched white or carrying a photo ID badge is   
crazy. I can't trust anyone here, because they all could be   
disillusioned psychotic freaks. And they look at me and they don't   
see just another young man but, no, no, they see as something worse,   
just another one of them. I could tell them I'm Relena Peacecraft and   
fit right in.  
  
God, that's just messed up.  
  
I have to get out of here.  
  
"Lunch time," Natasha chirps, standing up. "Sunday is roast beef.   
Do you eat beef?"  
  
"Going off what I saw of Saturday's tuna...Gah, I hate hospital food."  
  
She pads out into the hallway, a dark shadow against the gray. I   
follow her down to the cafeteria and collect my plate of slop.   
Disgusting. I sit at any random table, and to my surprise Natasha   
sits across from me.   
  
I look up at her curiously, "You've been here for nearly a month, I'm   
sure you have friends here. You don't have to keep me company."  
  
She widens those crystal hues at me, "It isn't right to fraternize   
with these people. Didn't the war teach you anything, Duo Maxwell the   
ex-soldier?"  
  
I stare at her, then I smile and, grateful for her company, poke   
around at the mess before me. The hunk of brown floating among orange   
and green circles would be the roast beef. Quatre would be shocked at   
the state of these vegetables. Heero would just shovel it all in, his   
Perfect Soldier's mind telling him eat now while he has food in front   
of him. I think he has taste buds of steel.  
  
Natasha isn't eating. "That bad?" I ask her, lifting a spork-full to   
my lips. Surprisingly, it's edible.  
  
"They must be aware of my comrades plans to free me. They might have   
poisoned my plate." She pokes the food around with her plastic spork,   
to create the illusion she's eating.  
  
She's so thin already, I wonder how long she's been starving herself   
for fear of poison. So I create a fabulous lie and hope my theory of   
her insanity is correct. "In the war my generals feared the same   
thing, so I was poisoned in slow doses until I built up immunity to   
any poison known to man. Why don't we switch plates?"  
  
Natasha looks at me curiously for a moment before breaking into a   
grin, "Yes, that would foil their plans nicely. You are a genius, Duo   
Maxwell. Wait until they aren't looking...now!"   
  
We quickly shuffle our plates. I get a rush out of it, my good deed.   
Natasha eagerly cleans off nearly her entire plate, but after a while   
the taste numbs my tongue and I have to stop eating it before I snap.   
Despite how hungry I am. I should order pizza. We're allowed phone   
calls on Sunday.  
  
We're also allowed visitors.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
When his knocks received no answer, Quatre went on and opened the   
door, stepping into the dim office. Heero sat behind his desk, typing   
away at his laptop. His face glowed, eerily illuminated by the screen   
before him. "Heero?"  
  
The typing didn't stop, but Heero barely flicked his eyes up to let   
Quatre know he was listening.  
  
"We're leaving now. Are you ready?"  
  
"Not going."  
  
Quatre stepped deeper into the room, "What?"  
  
"I said, I'm not going."  
  
"Heero..."  
  
Heero stopped typing and look up, anger and pain equally twisted   
across his face, "You heard what he said!" Regaining composer, his   
face took on the blank mask and he lowered his eyes once more to the   
screen, typing resuming it's fevered pitch.  
  
Quatre stood there a few moments more before leaving with a sigh.   
Wufei was waiting on the stairs, "Well? Is Yuy ready?"  
  
"He says he's not going."  
  
Wufei's eyes narrowed and he started to go give Heero a piece of his   
mind, but Quatre reached out and gently stopped him. "No... It's too   
soon. Give him a few days."  
  
A muscle in Wufei's jaw jumped, but he reluctantly nodded and shelved   
his anger. Quatre shook his head at his friend's actions,   
collectively and individually.   
  
Wufei descended down the stairs, but Quatre ducked into Heero and   
Duo's bedroom for a minute. Feeling a bit guilty about doing so, he   
scavenged through the bathroom drawers. As he had thought, Duo   
neglected to pack shampoo or his hair brush.   
  
Clutching the items to him, he went downstairs and out to the car.   
Trowa was seated on the passenger side, a paper lunch bag on his lap.   
Taking his car keys from the back khaki pocket, Quatre tossed the   
shampoo and brush to Trowa before getting in.   
  
"What's in there?"  
  
Trowa opened the paper bag and showed the contents to Quatre. Junk   
food, mostly, plus an apple put in to quell whatever objections   
Quatre would give. "Duo doesn't like hospital food," Trowa said   
simply.  
  
They made the trip in silence. Wufei looked to be sulking, no doubt   
still mad at Heero for backing out. Trowa wasn't one inclined to   
conversing, and Quatre had other things on his mind than trying to   
strike up small talk. Duo was usually the one to keep the talk   
flowing.  
  
Had they been talking, they would have fallen silent at the sight of   
the cold building. At first glance it looked cozy, with red brick   
walls and a large garden, but the brick was old and faded, and the   
garden was dying and poorly tended. Quatre gave a slight shudder.   
Maybe the inside looked better...  
  
The three were issued plastic ID badges that proclaimed "Visitor" in   
bright red lettering. Their guide, a smiling young nurse, still new   
enough to the job to have enthusiasm, as opposed to her disillusioned   
and grumpy co-workers, led them through the facility. "This is our   
recreation room, where the patients can have creative rehabilitation.   
And here are the state-of-the-art living quarters."  
  
She look down to the clipboard in her hands, "Let's see, Duo Maxwell.   
Maxwell ... here we are, room two-oh-six." She knocked once and   
opened the door without waiting for a response.  
  
Quatre looked uneasily around at what they'd seen so far. The   
patients looked tired, worn. They shuffled around with dazed   
expressions, faces numb and void of emotion. He shuddered. The walls   
were gray, dingy gray, like they'd never seen any sort of cleaning in   
all their lives.  
  
The room was cramped, two beds shoved against the wall and duplicate   
furnishings for each side. Duo was laying down on his bed, facing the   
wall, but his roommate, a young girl in all black with short black   
hair, looked up expectantly. The nurse looked to her clipboard once   
more. "Duo is limited to the facility premises, and visitors must be   
gone before dinner, at six-thirty promptly."  
  
The girl reached out with her foot and jabbed Duo in the side, "For   
you, Duo Maxwell."  
  
They huddled in the doorway, partially afraid but mostly hesitant.   
Duo sat up and rubbed his side, looking to the girl, "Ow! I was   
sleeping! What? Oh..." He looked to his three friends. "Hey guys,   
come on in."  
  
"Shall I make myself scarce?"  
  
"If you would, Natasha."  
  
The girl nodded and stood, gliding past them and out into the   
hallway. Wufei let out an angry burst of breath and shoved past   
Quatre and into the room, sitting on the girl's vacated bed. Trowa   
stepped into the room as well and sat on the edge of Duo's bed.  
  
Duo caught sight of the brush held clutched in Quatre's hand and   
grinned, "All right, Q-man! I knew I'd forgotten something," he said   
happily, plucking the brush free.   
  
Quatre returned the smile, coming into the room and sitting beside   
Trowa. "I had shampoo, too, but they wouldn't let me give you it."  
  
"No, they make use the required stuff. Look at my hair, completely   
dull! How am I supposed to have shiny, full hair using their crappy   
stuff?"   
  
"I had food, but they took that, too," Trowa announced suddenly.  
  
Duo's eyes widened, "Ah, Trowa, that's awesome! Too bad they won't   
let me have decent food. I swear, I think it's one of the   
requirements. Starched nurses and bad food."  
  
Trowa got a sudden sly look his face and stood, digging into his back   
pocket and coming up with a candy-bar, "I had a feeling they'd   
intercept..."  
  
Duo laughed and gratefully took the offered sweet. Quatre look up at   
Trowa, wanting to reprimand such scandalous behavior, but his resolve   
gave way when Trowa gave all but the barest hint of a smile, sitting   
once more.  
  
Quatre grew more and more wary of the situation as the visit   
lengthened. Although he seemed cheerful, Quatre could just subtly   
detect a difference in Duo's behavior. His thoughts seemed scattered,   
and sometimes he looked confused, usually repeating himself or   
dropping sentences off all together.  
  
Just when six-thirty loomed close, Duo suddenly grew more serious.   
"Where's Heero?"  
  
Wufei looked at Quatre, Quatre looked helplessly at Trowa, who   
stoically stared back. "He wanted to come, Duo, but..." He scrambled   
desperately for a suitable excuse.  
  
"Ah. I understand." Duo looked down at his hands, joyful smile wiped   
off his features. For a moment, sadness hung around him, an almost   
visible cloud of hurt, but he looked up and it vanished as he smiled   
once more. Quatre was surprised to see lingering anger drift across   
his features.  
  
Before anyone could say anything more, one of the nurses appeared in   
the doorway. "Time to say good-bye to your visitors..." The pause as   
she checked the door plate was only just noticeable, "Duo."  
  
"We'll come back Wednesday, okay?"  
  
"Take care, Maxwell."  
  
Duo followed them to the limits of the facility portion of the   
building. The industrial carpeting gave way to polished marble, the   
gray walls seemed to fade into a brilliant white. Quatre could almost   
believed he imagined the depressing conditions he'd seen. Almost.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: I don't believe there's anything I need to comment on,  
I don't think I used any Japanese phrases. What's everyone's opinions   
on the story so far? Are you mad at Heero or do you think he's   
justified? I love hearing your comments!  
  
Feedback/review greatly appreciated! More chapters soon.  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	8. Punishment

LSE // 7-19-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Eight: Punishment)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Punishment  
  
  
  
Monday's dinner appears to be roast beef reheating and transformed   
into meat and some sort of potato product. Mashed, I think. The day   
was a total waste, spent doing all sorts of therapy-happy things. An   
hour with Doctor Ruini, another in group... I sigh.   
  
I haven't seen Natasha since last night. She understood I wanted to   
be alone when my friends left and kept her distance. I see her   
approaching now, tray in hand.   
  
Natasha sits next to me. I wonder why she sits beside me instead of   
across, like last time. I realize she's in the same spot, and I sat   
on the opposite side. She's watching the orderlies and nurses   
carefully, but with such a practiced grace she makes it look casual.   
I only notice because of my training.  
  
"Switch plates?"  
  
She shakes her head, "They know our plan and poisoned all the food,   
not just my plate."  
  
I look out at the other patients, "Won't that kill all of them, too?"  
  
"Everyone got an extra pill, the anti-poison, before dinner.   
Naturally I didn't get one, but you did. They must not want you   
eliminated." Natasha scans the room, eyes lingering on one of the   
nurses before returning to study her food.  
  
I don't like the idea of her going without dinner. An idea occurs me   
and I reach into my pocket, breaking off a piece of the candy-bar   
Trowa gave me yesterday. "Here," I whisper, placing it under the   
table between us. She glances down and her hand closes over mine.   
"Since I'm immune, I don't need my pill, right? You take it."  
  
"You don't take your medicine either? Good, good, you can't trust   
them, Duo Maxwell. I knew you were smart," she smiles, looking proud   
of me. She takes the piece of candy-bar and looks at it. "This isn't   
a pill."  
  
"Course not, I hid the pill inside it, so they wouldn't catch me.   
Incase they checked to see what sort of contraband my friends slipped   
me." I feel a little guilty supporting her illusion, but I really   
don't want her starving herself.  
  
"Smart, smart," she somehow manages to get the piece into her mouth   
and still make it look casual. She chews happily and swallows. "Which   
reminds me, who were those people that visited you yesterday? Your   
generals?"  
  
I pick back up my spork, the only utensil they've given us. No forks   
or knives, not even a real spoon but a cheap plastic spork. Sporks:   
harmless, docile, fork-spoon mutants.   
  
"Just friends."  
  
She studies me for a moment, blue eyes weighing me carefully. "Is one   
of them your lover?"  
  
I choke on a carrot, coughing and sputtering as my face turns crimson.  
"What makes you think that?" I ask, staring at her.  
  
"Well, you're obviously not interested in women, so I just assumed..."   
  
"How do you know I'm not interested in women?" I demand, appalled   
that it's so obvious I'm gay.   
  
"Well, first of all I can tell just by the way you look at women. Not   
once have you stared at my chest and not my face, and I haven't seen   
you leer at any of the females here. I did see you checking out one   
of the male orderlies." I blush. "And...well, I looked through your   
stuff."  
  
"You what?"  
  
Natasha gives an apologetic shrug, chewing on a mouthful of food.   
"When you went to shower last night I searched your stuff. I trusted   
you, but I wanted to just double-check. Anyways, I found the picture   
of you and another guy, and that sealed it."  
  
I stare at her, impressed, "You're good."  
  
She beams, intensely proud of the compliment. "Thank you. I'm not a   
spy for nothing, you know."  
  
I smile, picking up my empty tray and heading for the trash can.   
Dumping the paper plate and everything else off the tray, I put above   
the trash can. Natasha's behind me, her tray also empty. I shuffle   
aside and let her dispose of it.   
  
"So, what happened to the boy in the picture? Are you still lovers?"   
  
Uneasy about discussing such things in front of the trash can, I head   
back to the room. I don't really want to tell her about Heero. I   
don't even want to think about Heero. I'm hurt he didn't come see me,   
but I probably would have started screaming at him and thrown   
something at him. Like my brush. Or a table.  
  
Natasha goes to my bedside table and takes out the picture, studying   
it. "How long ago was this taken?"  
  
"Three years."  
  
"What's his name?"  
  
"Heero."  
  
She sets the picture back in the drawer and closes it. "He didn't   
come see you. Are you no longer together?"  
  
I hesitate, but I don't want to talk about Heero anymore, so I give a   
fake smile and answer, "Yes"  
  
Natasha suddenly nods knowingly, "He's the one who put you in here."  
  
I gape at her, "What?"  
  
"You're mad at him, but sad at the same time. But you still love him"  
  
"What are you, a mind reader?" I'm shocked, blown away, completely   
stunned. My mind is reeling.  
  
"No. I can tell by the way you say his name. Plus he didn't come   
visit you, and you hesitated before answering my question." She   
smiles and taps me on the head. "I'm a great spy, Duo Maxwell. You   
said so yourself."  
  
I stare at her for a long time before finally admitting she's   
spectacularly observant and grinning. "Well, you are amazing."  
  
She laughs, "And I cheated. I looked into your file and Heero Yuy is   
signature on the papers."   
  
"When did you do that?"  
  
"While you were with your friends."  
  
I'm doubly impressed, "How?"  
  
"I hid one of Janice's stuffed animals and waited for her to make a   
scene and used that as my cover. When the nurses ran to subdue her I   
stole into the office and peeked at the files."  
  
"Wow."   
  
Natasha is a complete enigma to me, and I want to know more about   
her. She doesn't look old enough to be a veteran of the war, but,   
neither do I, but I'm almost compltely sure Natasha is younger than   
me. She can't be over twenty. Despite her youth, she's got a brain   
like Heero's, maybe she was trained to be a Perfect Soldier, but   
something went wrong and her brain snapped and now she's here, locked   
up and labeled crazy.  
  
Or maybe she's telling the truth and she really is a Russian spy.  
  
Only I don't think the Russians have spies. I'm not sure Russia is   
even a country anymore. I think it's the Republic of Moscow and   
Siberia, or something along those lines.  
  
And there's no way the hospital would poison everyone just to get rid   
of one little girl.  
  
If the food really was poisoned I guess I'll find out. Or Natasha   
will, since she ate it with nothing but my candy-bar as a placebo.  
  
"Do you play?" she asks, taking a deck of cards from her drawer.   
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The shower feels good, like I'm somehow able to wash away the gray   
darkness and depression of the hospital. The shower walls are white   
tile, the floor is cement. It all looks clean. I gratefully scrub my   
entire body with the soap, feeling the filth run down my skin,   
mingling with the water and swirling down the drain.  
  
As much as I'd like to spent time relaxing, I'm in a hurry. For the   
moment the showers are empty, but I don't want to be around if anyone   
else shows up. The showers run the entire length of the wall, with no   
divider between them.  
  
I get a good white foam in my hair, bundling the long locks atop my   
head and feeling the lather build. Closing my eyes, I step directly   
into the spray and work my hair free. It cascades down my back, all   
the lather draining away.  
  
Goosebumps run all along my arms as the shower beside me turns on.   
Brushing aside wet strands of hair from my face, I open my eyes and   
find Natasha standing there under the water.  
  
Naked.  
  
I've seen naked women before. Hilde was the first, but I had already   
lost interest in women. She's just like a sister.  
  
Natasha turns me with a smile, "Want me to wash your back, Duo   
Maxwell?"  
  
"Aren't the women's showers on the other side?" I manage to squeak.   
Fortunately, my hair's so long it nearly covers all that it should,   
but Natasha isn't looking anywhere by directly at my face.  
  
"Yes, but they're so much smaller, and all the soap's gone." She   
reaches across and takes the soap from the rest beneath my faucet.   
  
Is this some kind of test? I force my eyes to stay firmly on hers.   
Her hair is short and doesn't cover anything. The soap drops out of   
her hand. My eyes start to follow it, but I quickly turn away under   
the pretense of getting the last remaining suds out of my hair.  
  
Wait, what am I doing? Naked women don't turn me on. To prove my   
point, I allow myself a quick stare when she bends over to fetch the   
fallen soap.   
  
No reaction.  
  
Excellent. I turn off my shower and start to step away, towards the   
towels I put on the bench.   
  
Natasha grins over her shoulder, "Aren't you gonna wash my back?"  
  
I shrug and walk back over to her, taking the soap. Now that I've   
proven to myself I'm not going to get anything over her nakedness, it   
doesn't phase me to start scrubbing at her bare back. Nope, not   
bothering me in the least.  
  
We both freeze as the faculty door opens and two orderlies walk in   
with fresh towels. Holy shit... I drop the soap. The orderlies just   
stare at us for a moment, neither side able to comprehend the   
situation.  
  
The orderlies leer at Natasha and I feel outraged. I step around her,   
blocking their view with my own body. Holding my arms out to further   
impede their leers, I announce in my best casual tone, "Nothing to   
see here folks."  
  
One of the orderlies drops his towels in surprise, his eyes dropping   
down... I blush a little. They'd thought I was a girl. I hate that. I   
wonder how much trouble Natasha will get in for being in the wrong   
showers. Maybe she can fake that she didn't know.   
  
"What do we have here?" One of them says at last. The name tag sewn   
into his shirt says Steve. The other's named James.  
  
Natasha calmly steps around me and walks purposefully to the   
orderlies, bending and taking the towels off the floor. one of the   
towels off the floor. The girl has guts. "I was just leaving," she   
announces in a clear voice, straightening and starting to walk away   
from them, to the exit.  
  
Orderly Steve reaching out and grabs her wrist, "I don't think so."   
His eyes trail down the length of her, her curves still visible   
despite the terry cloth shield.  
  
I have no idea what he was going to do, and I have no intention of   
finding out. I rush over, shoving him back as hard as I can. He lets   
go of her arm in surprise, falling back into the door.   
  
James reacts quickly, grabbing my arms and pinning me to the wall. I   
let out a startled shriek and Natasha kicks him hard in the knee,   
shouting, "Let him go!"  
  
With a yelp from the orderly the knee gives way and James falls,   
releasing me. The other orderly, Steve, is up on his feet again and   
grabs Natasha's arm, gaining leverage and twisting. She drops to her   
knees beside James, her face contorted with pain.  
  
"Kisama!" I yell, darting forward to help Natasha, but strong hands   
grab me from behind.  
  
I can't think straight anymore.  
  
Someone grabs me.  
  
I will scream.  
  
The alley, I can see the alley. Darkness. Everywhere I turn.  
  
I will fight.  
  
I'm struggling, I won't let it take me, I can't let it take me. I   
strike out, I hit something yielding.   
  
Someone hits me.  
  
The pain shakes me back to reality. My cheek is pressed against the   
cold cement, weight on top of me. I can't breathe, I can't move. I'm   
trapped. It hurts.  
  
Natasha's yelling, "Get off of him! Get off, he's hurt! You hurt him!"  
  
There's a calmer voice trying to get order. "What happened here?"  
  
"Get off of him, you're crushing him!"  
  
"Just went completely nuts, doctor. Attacked us, the girl, too, both   
of them. Solitary, I say."  
  
"Get off him, James."  
  
The weight eases and I can breathe again. A there's a sharp ache in   
my middle, where they hit me, and my face tingles. Someone hauls me   
upright and soft hands lift my head. Doctor Ruini stares at me   
intently, then lets my head go and straightens. "Solitary. Two days."  
  
"You're punishing him? He didn't do anything!"  
  
"Twelve hours of solitary for ... Natasha. The women's showers are on   
the other side, you know that. I'll not tolerate such violent behavior  
in this facility, do I make myself clear?"  
  
Whichever orderly it is, I can't see him, drags me through the   
faculty door, taking the shortcut to whatever room they use for   
solitary. God, solitary. It's probably small. Cramped. Alone. Silent.   
Two days.  
  
I struggle to gain my feet and the orderly, neither Steve nor James,   
stops. He takes my arm and, instead of dragging me, leads me along.   
  
I look over as Natasha sighs in relief. "Are you okay?" she whispers,   
leaning over to peer at my face.  
  
"Daijoubu..." Our guide stops, taking free a set of keys and opening   
one of the doors. "See you in two days," I say, smiling weakly at her   
despite my fear. It's dark inside. Darkness. Very dark.  
  
"Arigatou, Duo."  
  
The orderly pushes me into the darkness before I can respond. As the   
door slams shut I realize it's the first time Natasha's used just my   
first name.  
  
I'm alone. In the darkness. It's so silent my ears ring. This can't   
be right, they can't do this to me. It's like prison.   
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry I took so long to get this chapter out. I'll   
try to have chapter nine at least written before I go to bed, okay?   
Thanks for all the input everyone's given to me so far. It's all   
going to start coming together pretty soon...  
  
Kisama - bastard  
Daijoubu - all right  
Feedback/reviews greatly appreciated! More chapters coming.  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	9. Released into Captivity

LSE // 7-19-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Eight: Released into Captivity)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Released into Captivity  
  
  
  
The house was very quiet, without Duo. Wufei turned the volume on the   
television up to try and hide it, but they were all aware of it.   
Except for maybe Heero. Quatre looked at the stairs from reflex,   
knowing that Heero was upstairs, most likely typing in front of his   
laptop. To his surprise, just as he looked over, Heero came walking   
down the stairs.  
  
Heero ignored the looks his friends shot him and sat next to Trowa,   
at the end of the couch. "Well?" He asked expectantly.  
  
Quatre looked over curiously, the only one to respond. Wufei still   
looked angry, nursing his desire to punch Heero. "Heero?"  
  
Heero looked at the television, eyes locked on the screen. "The   
hospital." He said simply. Trowa looked Heero, sitting there so   
stiffly beside him, as if one good push would knock him over and   
break him into a thousand pieces, like glass.  
  
"It was...nice. Very." Quatre fumbled over his words. He didn't want   
to describe the gray and depressing sights he'd seen.  
  
The iron stare at the television broke and Heero looked over,   
surprise flickering behind his eyes. "Nice," he repeated, almost in a   
questioning manner.  
  
"Yes, wasn't it, Trowa?"  
  
Emerald eyes slowly shifted to fix Quatre with a sullen glare.   
Quatre's blue pleaded with the green, begging them to accept the lie   
and set Heero at ease. Trowa felt his will bending with the smaller   
man's kindness. He finally nodded, "Nice."  
  
Heero stood, the barest trace of relief across his face. He started   
to leave, but hesitated and looked back at them. "Duo?"  
  
Wufei started to reply, but Quatre quickly said, "Really good.   
Complained about the food, but you know Duo."  
  
Both Trowa and Wufei fixed identical looks of disapproval on the   
Arabian, who carefully avoided looking at them. Heero desperately   
ignored the obviousness of the lie and nodded, withdrawing from the   
room. "Good," he muttered. "Good."  
  
As soon as Heero was safely out of earshot, Wufei and Trowa both   
started talking, Trowa with a bit less emotion than the enraged   
Wufei. Quatre held up his hands to stop them, "Please! What would you   
have rather have me say?"  
  
"The truth." Wufei said firmly.  
  
"He's right, koi..." Trowa said softly, for Quatre's ears only.  
  
The blonde shrugged helplessly, "I know... But it would have killed   
him to hear the truth. Don't you forget they didn't exactly leave on   
a positive note?"  
  
No one could forget that scene.  
  
"Heero had to make a difficult choice..." Quatre stopped talking,   
biting his lower lip to quell the rising tears.   
  
"You're right." Trowa pulled Quatre into a hug and shot Wufei a   
slight glare.  
  
Wufei kept silent, which was the closest thing to admittance he'd   
give.   
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I hold my watch up directly in front of my face, but I cannot see the   
time. Suddenly I know what I will buy as soon as I'm free. I'll buy   
one of those watches with the glow face. It's so dark...  
  
I try to guess what time it is. They haven't brought me food yet, but   
maybe I don't get food. I haven't been awake very long and despite   
the horrible night's sleep I had, I'm not very tired. I've either   
slept in very late or it's before seven, for that's when they serve   
breakfast.  
  
I wonder if they've let Natasha out yet.  
  
I gingerly feel my face. My lip is cut and I'm pretty sure I have a   
black eye. I wonder how many times they hit me. I wonder how many   
times I hit them. The details are a little fuzzy. I think I really   
did snap.  
  
They haven't given me anything except my clothes.   
  
I should be getting medication soon. Maybe this is such a twisted   
place they won't give me food or medicine the entire time I'm in here.   
  
  
The whole room is padded, so at least it's comfortable. I've felt my   
way along the entire area, it's very small. If I stand up my head   
brushes the ceiling. The room is only about six feet deep and eight   
feet wide, as best as I can guess.  
  
Suddenly, I hear the door unlocking. Just in time I dive aside and   
cover my eyes as light floods the room, burning through my tightly   
closed lids.   
  
Just when I open my eyes the door closes. I crawl over and find a   
tray there. Lunch. I guess I don't get breakfast. The door opens   
again and a nurse hands me a small paper cup with my meds in it. She   
stands there and checks to make sure I took them before leaving me   
once more.  
  
But just before the door closes I see Natasha being led away by   
another nurse. So they let her free.  
  
I absently chew on a piece of my bread and think about the comment   
Natasha made.  
  
\"You don't take your medicine either?"  
  
I wonder about her, because thinking about Natasha is less painful   
than thinking about my own life, or Heero. According to Natasha, her   
comrades are coming on Thursday to break her out. Is this just   
another delusion, or is she planning on escaping?  
  
Could I go with her? I wonder what would happen, if I really did   
escape.  
  
My thoughts gradually shift over to Heero. How can I avoid thinking   
about him, when he's all that my heart knows? I miss him so much. I'm   
still angry at him, too, for abandoning me. Yes, that's it, he has   
abandoned me.  
  
And I wonder, if I ran away, would he care?  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I've lost track of time.  
  
I've lost track of reality.  
  
I'm laying on my back, staring at the ceiling. I know the ceiling is   
there, but I can't see it. I close my eyes. It's the same as if. I   
open my eyes. I can't tell a different between them.   
  
I wonder what my friends are doing right now. I don't know what time   
it is. Is it night? Is it day? How long ago was lunch? When is   
dinner? Am I hungry? I'm not hungry, does that mean lunch wasn't very   
long ago, or that I'm just not hungry.  
  
Is it still Tuesday?  
  
Quatre said they'd be back on Wednesday.  
  
I wonder if Heero will come.  
  
Heero. The simple thought of him makes me feel a thousand different   
emotions. I ache for him beside me.   
  
The door is opening.  
  
The door stays open. "You may come out now, Duo."  
  
Is it Wednesday already? I stumble to my feet and out into the hall,   
throwing an arm up to shield my eyes from the light. The nurse beside   
me shuts the door to the Solitary chamber and takes my arm, leading   
me through the hallways.  
  
"The doctor said you may come out, even though you haven't had the   
full two days. Are you hungry? Dinner's in a few."  
  
A few what, I want to ask, seconds? Hours? Minutes? Days?  
  
She leads me to my room and then leaves. Natasha isn't here. I go   
over to my bed and sit. I take my cross off the side table and slip   
it on. I'm glad I took it off before going to the showers. I open the   
table drawer and look inside, staring down at the picture of me and   
Heero.  
  
What time is it? I look to my watch. It's waterproof, but doesn't   
glow. I wish it glowed.   
  
I'm not hungry.  
  
They're probably laughing at me. Look at him, Mr.Tough-guy, gave two   
orderlies a hard time, got the fight beat out of him. Locked him up   
in solitary. Poke him with a stick, see if he flinches.  
  
I don't want to be here anymore.  
  
I want to go home.  
  
Do I even have a home anymore?  
  
I start to sleep. I wake. I sleep again.  
  
When I wake once more, Natasha still hasn't come into the room. It's   
late. I missed supper. I guess they don't check to see if you eat, or   
maybe they know and are pleased. Go to bed, without any supper!  
  
I look at my watch. I can see the face of it, now. It's close to eight  
thirty. Lights out at nine.  
  
I shuffled off my bed and out into the hall. If I were Natasha, where   
would I be? I wander down the hall, peering into the open doors I   
pass. I've never noticed the other patients much. Most of them are   
older than me. They look dazed. Confused.  
  
Lost.  
  
I turn around and start back towards the living area, thinking maybe   
she's watching television, when a hand grabs mine and yanks me aside.   
Into a janitor's closet. I turn around, thinking it's Natasha.  
  
The door closes.  
  
I look up at the shadowed face of Steve the orderly. James leans   
against the door, I can see from the corner of me eye.   
  
Trapped.  
  
"Well, well, well. If it isn't our favorite patient."  
  
Oh, shit.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Oi, I know, this just keeps getting worse and worse   
for Duo, but don't hate me! The rating changes from PG13 to R at this   
point, please be aware of that. Uhm, I think that's about it... I like  
hearing your comments and reviews, they're what keep me writing. I'm   
glad to see that my original character, Natasha, appeals to you! ^^  
  
Feedback/reviews greatly appreciated! More chapters coming.  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	10. Pain Revisited

LSE // 7-21-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Ten: Pain Revisited)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Pain Revisited  
  
  
  
  
The pawn mocked the knight, perfectly arranged into a cross defense.   
Slowly, the knight looked around, scanning the motionless pieces,   
checking for positioning. The queen stared back at him, lingering   
beside the king. He could take the pawn, then wait for the queen to   
kill him, then snag the defenseless king.  
  
The knight made it's move. Over one, up three. The slain pawn was   
placed beside it's fallen soldiers.  
  
Slowly, a grin crept over Natasha's face. She saw her opponent   
stiffen, widely searching for the board for a hidden move he might   
have over looked. Reaching out a hand, she breezed her queen out into   
the open, darting through the white pieces.  
  
"Checkmate."  
  
With his knight gone, the king was trapped, his elaborate defense   
crumbling as the queen stood proud on her dominated battlefield.   
  
Natasha smiled and stood, "Good game."  
  
Her defeated opponent shook his head in disbelief. Natasha stretched   
and looked down the empty hallway. She was bored with chess, and Duo   
wasn't around to keep her company.  
  
She hoped Duo was okay. He was, after all, a valuable piece in her   
own chess game. She cracked a slight smile at the thought. He would   
be the king, vastly important, yet limited by his power and dual side   
of vulnerability. She looked disdainfully out at the pawns. Although,   
pawns could be quite useful. For sacrifice.  
  
She wiggled her toes into the rug, looking down at her bare feet.   
Socks, she decided, I'll get socks. Twirling around, arms out like a   
ballerina, she started back for her room.  
  
She popped open her drawer, looking at the clothing within. Mostly   
dark clothes. Finding a pair of wool socks, she hopped on one foot   
and jammed them on. Toasty.  
  
Once both feet were securely socked, she started to leave, but   
stopped with a look to Duo's bed. The sheets were ruffled. Walking   
the short distance over, she loomed over the bed.  
  
Yes, there was indeed an impression. From someone laying on it. Her   
eyes swept the room, picking up the little details she'd missed upon   
entering. Duo's cross was gone from the side table. His drawer was   
open. How could she have looked over that?  
  
Darting out into the hallway, her socked feet nearly sliding her into   
the wall, she looked up and down the corridor. Duo was out. Had he   
made a run for it? No, he would have taken that picture with him.   
They must have let him out early.   
  
"Looking for something?" said Janice, standing in her room's doorway.  
  
Janice had the look of someone who sat around and watched people go   
by. A person valuable, but often cast aside. "Have you seen a young   
man with a long braid come by?"  
  
"Noooo..." she drawled out, "I did see a young man with long hair.   
Looking for something, too. Everyone's always looking." She clutched   
her stuffed bear to her.  
  
Natasha nodded a thanks and went in the direction the woman indicated.  
She wondered if Duo often went without his braid. It somehow didn't   
fit the picture she'd been building in her mind of his life. She   
expected the braid, like his dark clothes, signified something   
important.  
  
Upon reaching the end of the wall, she thought perhaps the woman was   
mistaken, or maybe Duo had put his hair into a braid. She ran through   
her mental list of any other young men with hair as long as Duo's,   
but she couldn't think of anyone with hair quite that long.  
  
She was tempted just to go back to the room and wait for Duo. Maybe   
Duo was still locked away in solitary. Perhaps it was a nurse who had   
taken the cross, perhaps seeing it as a weapon.  
  
But in her gut, she knew those assumptions were wrong.  
  
She turned at the sound of a door opening. She dove for the wall and   
flattened herself into the shadows as two orderlies emerged from a   
janitor's closet.   
  
She carefully resisted the urge to giggle, but no amount of control   
could keep a blush from rising to her cheeks at the thoughts of what   
sort of things they'd be doing in the closet at this time.   
  
One of them turned and took out a key, securely locking the door.   
Natasha quirked an eyebrow, starting to think this suspicious, but   
knew the closet was being locked to prevent a patient from wandering   
into it and collecting some bleach to drink.  
  
Still, something didn't seem right. She couldn't place her finger on   
it, but someone it seemed wrong. The orderly suddenly looked up,   
directly towards were she huddled in the scant darkness.  
  
She hardly dared to breathe, praying he assumed she was merely a   
shadow. One more piece of darkness molted against the gray. Then, she   
inhaled sharply, a silent gasp as recognition flooded her.   
  
It was the orderly from the previous night.  
  
Thoughts ran wild through her head. He had taken poison from the   
closet and was planning to kill Duo and her for their silence. No,   
he'd taken a knife. A pair of clippers. A gardening spade. What if   
he'd already done the deed?  
  
She breathed a silent prayer of thanks for her caution in not eating   
supper. She needed to find Duo, quickly, before this vengeful orderly   
could extract payment for whatever reprimand he had received.  
  
Once the hallway was safely cleared, she stepped away from the wall   
and walked casually down the hall. The key to a good spy was   
confidence. Act like you know exactly what you are doing at all   
times, even if you have no clue on earth what you're supposed to be   
doing and the entire mission is going to blow.  
  
As she passed the closet door, Natasha's ears picked up something   
odd. She stopped there before the door, listening carefully. There.   
Just barely within the range of hearing she could here what sounded   
like crying. From inside the closet.  
  
She stepped up close to the door, pressing her ear against it.   
Definitely crying. "Hello?"  
  
The sounds stopped.  
  
"Hello!"  
  
"Na...Nani...?"  
  
"Oh, my lord...Duo?"  
  
"Natasha?"  
  
Blue eyes widening in horror, she grabbed for the knob, but it was   
locked tightly. "Hang on! Duo, just hang on..." Natasha rolled her   
shirt up and selected a bobby pin from the hem on her pants. Expertly,  
she twirled it inside the lock and was rewarded with a satisfying   
click.  
  
She swung the door open, freezing in the doorway and the sight before   
her. "Duo...?"  
  
Her roommate knelt on the cement floor, long, frazzled hair clutched   
in one hand, but her eyes locked on the object held in the other. A   
knife. She'd seen the marks all along Duo's arms when they were in the  
shower, and seen in his file the reasons for his institutionalization.  
  
He's going to kill himself, Natasha thought to herself.  
  
"Duo, please..."  
  
He didn't look very threatening, head down with his shoulders shaking   
with his silent tears. Natasha slowly approached him and knelt,   
reaching out to take the knife from him.  
  
Duo gave a slight shout and flinched back from her touch. "It's   
okay," she said soothingly, reaching once more for the knife.  
  
"I..." Duo pulled away, his voice shaking as much as his hands, "I'm   
not, I mean... Oh, Natasha, I can't..." The knife dropped harmlessly   
to the ground as he put his face into his hands, sobbing.   
  
Natasha gently pulled him into a hug, "It's okay, Duo... It's okay."   
In contrast to her soft tone, her face was set with a murderous rage.   
What little glimpse at Duo's face she got revealed a fresh bruise   
across one fair cheek and his lip was bleeding again.   
  
Natasha felt him recoil slightly at her embrace and suddenly became   
aware of the full extent of the chaos strewn in the small closet. It   
looked like most of the damage had been hastily hidden, but her   
careful eye noticed what others would overlook.  
  
One of the shelves had been knocked over and righted, but the items   
atop the shelf had been put back in the wrong order, and a few had   
been broken. Perhaps worse, though, was Duo himself.   
  
He was not wearing his own clothing but gray hospital clothes,   
drawstring pants and a button-up shirt. The shirt, she noticed, was   
unbuttoned, and his chest was marked, a whorl of bruises. Even though   
she knew the answer, she asked, "Duo, did they do this to do?"  
  
"I said stop...I tried to fight...I..."  
  
"Shhh... Come on," Natasha said, clearing her throat around the lump   
that threatened to make her cry as well. She stood and helped Duo to   
his feet. Wrapping an around his waist and ducking under his arm to   
steady him, she led him back to their room.  
  
Fortunately, no one stopped them, or even noticed them. It was   
nearing lights out, anyway. Soon, the nurses would come by for bed   
checks. She had to get Duo into his bed and pray the nurse wouldn't   
notice anything out of the ordinary.   
  
Lowering Duo carefully onto his bed, she ran to the door and closed   
it, wishing they had locks. These doors never locked. At least it was   
closed, to buy them time when the nurse did come.   
  
Duo laid down and curl up into a little ball, hugging his knees to   
his chest. Natasha looked away before she burst into tears, but she   
knew things had to arranged if they were live to see morning. Surely   
the two orderlies hadn't meant to leave Duo in there to starve to   
death. No, they must have known he'd take care of that himself,   
suicide style. Bastards, had they read his chart? How long has they   
been planning this?  
  
"Duo, quick, get under the covers before the nurse comes." She shook   
him gently by the shoulders. "Please, don't say anything, okay?"  
  
Natasha looked to the door as she heard footsteps. The shuffle of   
sturdy nurses shoes. She hurried over to her own side of the room and   
clicked the light off. Duo gave a slight whimper, so she turned on   
her side lamp and crawled under the covers.  
  
Presently, the door opened. Natasha looked up with a cheerful grin.   
The nurse nodded, looking at her and then to Duo, who looked for all   
the world like he was sleeping. Maybe he was. She hoped so.  
  
"Lights off, Miss Letoivsky."  
  
Natasha nodded and clicked her lamp off. The door slowly closed and   
she heard the footsteps move along. She counted to herself, slowly,   
to one hundred, then jumped out of bed and crept over to Duo. She sat   
cross-legged on his rug.   
  
Duo sat up and hugged his legs to his chest, resting his head on his   
knees. "Get my hairbrush?" he whispered.   
  
She nodded and fetched it from his dresser. She sat beside on the bed   
and slowly gathered up the tangled mass of chestnut. "How badly are   
you hurt?" She asked, since he seemed to be a little bit more   
collected now.  
  
"I'll live."  
  
"I'm afraid you can't tell the doctors."  
  
"I know. Because they're in on it, too?"   
  
She searched the words for mockery but found none. "Yes. It'd ruin   
the hospital's image for this to make the papers. I'm sorry, Duo.   
Those bastards will pay, don't you worry."   
  
Duo suddenly lifted his head and lowers his knees, holding his arms   
out. Studying the marks. "It's happened before."  
  
"Duo?" Natasha stopped brushing.  
  
"Before. It's happened before. I tried to fight then, too. I don't   
know who. I don't remember much. Don't want to. Painful."  
  
She slowly started brushing out the hair once more, careful not to   
pull too hard. She was having a hard time following him. "Try to   
sleep, whatever it is can wait for morning."  
  
Duo nodded and they both returned to their beds.  
  
Natasha's tired mind couldn't process everything. She didn't try to   
understand it, she simply filed it away for future use.   
  
Tomorrow would be Wednesday. Visitor's came on Wednesdays. Would   
Duo's friends come?   
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
But it's dark.  
  
It's always dark.  
  
I'm tired of the dark.  
  
Things happen to me in the dark.  
  
Horrible things.  
  
I'm battered, I cannot think.  
  
Deja vu controls me, this all seems like it's happened before.  
  
Can you be tired when you're sleeping?  
  
I've asked that before.  
  
I've done this before.  
  
Different.  
  
Somehow.  
  
I expect to wake up and Heero above me, my throat parched and the   
white hospital walls looking cold, but a pure, clean white. Not gray.   
Heero will be there. Cold, but he, too, is pure. I am not. I'm angry,   
frustrated, I cannot understand why.  
  
I'm scared.  
  
I'm at the alley, again.  
  
I don't want to go through the alley, but my feet control me. I'm a   
prisoner inside my own body. It's the darkness, again. The fear. And   
it's behind me. I know how this ends. I don't want to relive it.  
  
I don't want to dream it.  
  
I am dreaming.  
  
Why can't I stop?  
  
Stop.  
  
...  
  
"Shinigami," I whisper into the darkness. There is no answer.   
  
"Natasha," I whisper, a little louder.  
  
I creep out of my bed, shaking with the terrors of the dreams. I   
cannot remember them, only the fear. The alley, the closet, it's all   
fresh in my mind. Salt in open wounds.  
  
I don't know why, but I crawl into Natasha's bed. I can't be alone.  
  
Natasha turns in her sleep, rolling aside to give me more on the   
small bed. It feels good to curl beside her, our bodies melding   
together in a different way than when I sleep with Duo.  
  
She reminds me of Hilde. A sister.  
  
Yes, Natasha is like a sister. I feel no desire sleeping beside her,   
pressing my shaking body against hers, stealing her warmth to relieve   
the chill that has set in my bones.  
  
I can't keep this pain inside me anymore.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Seems like I can keep it PG13 after all. Things are   
really going to start snowballing here pretty soon. I expect I'll be   
able to finish this in another three or four chapters... Trust me,   
it's going to get good! Sorry for chapter nine's horrible cliffhanger!  
Can you believe it's only taken me nine days to get to this point?  
  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	11. Fragile Healing

LSE // 7-22-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Eleven: Fragile Healing)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Fragile Healing  
  
  
  
  
When I wake I am confused, disorientated. Memories swim behind my   
eyes, half-dreamt terrors and all too real nightmares.   
  
Then I realize I'm sleeping with someone.  
  
Female.  
  
I start to panic, but she moves beside me, rolling further away,   
almost against the wall. It's Natasha. Dear Natasha.  
  
The previous day's events flood me, threatening to overwhelm and   
destroy. I firmly push them away for the time, for I've found new   
strength in my resolve to rid myself of these pains.  
  
I wince as I move, sitting up and looking at my battered body. I get   
up and check my watch. It's at least ten minutes until the nurses come  
to wake us. I yawn, walking over to my side of the room. I wish I had   
a mirror. I must look like shit.  
  
I run a hand through the straggled mess my hair's become. I haven't   
washed in... I try to think. Two days. I haven't braided it. I've   
never had my hair down this long, usually only to shower and, well,   
Heero likes my hair down. I feel a sharp stab of pain at the thought   
of Heero.  
  
Heero likes my hair down.  
  
Somehow, I feel this is supposed to reassure me. My brain is throwing   
that thought at me frantically.  
  
I think I hate my hair.  
  
Natasha's still sleeping. I think I should wake her. She seems to   
think this is about more than a couple of bastard orderlies, and I'm   
inclined to believe. Hell, no one's proved to me she isn't a spy for   
Russia. Maybe Russia's the code name for a secret organization.  
  
First, I rid myself of the horrible gray hospital clothes and dig out   
a fresh pair of black jeans. I shift through my shirts and decide on   
a white undershirt with a black button-up over shirt.  
  
"Blah, what time is it?" Natasha inquires, sitting up.  
  
"Six fifty-eight."  
  
"How precise," she mutters, stumbling to her own dresser. I politely   
turn away while she changes, even though I've seen her naked. Odd.   
It's refreshing, my thoughts are in order once more. I feel in   
control of my life. It feels good.  
  
And yet for all reasons I shouldn't be.  
  
Natasha yawns, sitting on her bed and putting on a pair of black   
socks. I wonder how many pairs of black socks she owns.  
  
"Cut my hair."  
  
She looks up, blue eyes widened in surprise, "What?"  
  
"My hair. Cut it short, like a boy's cut."  
  
"Duo, I love your hair. Why would you ever want to cut it?"  
  
She's calling me by my first name. I wonder if that signifies   
anything. Then, I remember what day it is, "It's Wednesday, isn't it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I turn and look at her, "Aren't your friends coming tomorrow?"  
  
She looks sad for a moment, studying her socks, "Yes. My comrades   
will be freeing me tomorrow." She pauses, then looks up at me, "We   
need to talk. Not now, later."  
  
I nod, I have a feeling I know what she wants to talk about. Good,   
I'm finally ready to talk.   
  
When the nurse comes she's surprised to find us both up and dressed   
already, and she tells us breakfast is in an hour. I try to think   
when I last had anything to eat, but I can't think backwards. My   
brain only wants to run forward, ignoring everything.   
  
Natasha comes up behind me and gathers up my hair, lifting it off the   
back of me neck. "Let me show you something," she says quietly,   
drawing me over to her dresser. She takes out a black hat, a beret,   
and puts it firmly on me, sweeping all my hair into it.   
  
Looking to the door, she goes over and takes her sandals out from   
under her bed and shoves them under the door. I never would have   
thought to use shoes, but now that I look at it I see it makes a very   
nice doorstop.   
  
She takes out a small round compact from the drawer and opens it up,   
holding the mirror before me. "Look."  
  
I hardly recognize myself without my braid or my hair flowing free. I   
turn my head, taking in the new style. I realize what Natasha's   
showing me and can't help but smile. "I look different."  
  
She reaches out and takes the beret off me. My hair tumbles free and   
I once more look like me.  
  
I look like a girl.  
  
I turn my head away, not wanting to see what they see. They. See. Me.  
  
"Look," she orders.  
  
She takes my chin and lifts my head, forcing me to look into the   
mirror once more. Releasing my chin, she takes my head and pulls it   
aside, holding back from my face, like it's in a braid. "It's the   
same, Duo. With or without the braid, with or without your hair."  
  
She lets the hair go free and sets the compact into my hand, pressing   
it closed as she does so. "Always remember that, Duo. This..." She   
lays a hand over my heart, "This is what matters.  
  
I start to grin and make fun of her cliche actions, but she shakes   
her head slightly and meets my eyes. Pale blue staring into deep   
violet, seeing the pain lurking within the blue, within the violet.  
  
"I look like a girl."  
  
She shakes her head, "Does it matter?"  
  
Does it matter?  
  
Does?  
  
It?  
  
Matter?  
  
The compact falls to the floor as I drop to my knees, head bowed   
under the pressure of the question. Does it matter? Does it matter? I   
look like a girl, does it matter?  
  
"Is it your fault?" Natasha asks softly.  
  
Is it my fault? Does it matter?  
  
Pain, torrents, pain, whorls, pain, screams, pain, blood, pain, hate,   
pain, alley, pain, closet.  
  
Does it matter?  
  
No.  
  
"No."  
  
Natasha kneels beside me, taking up the fallen compact. "It's not   
your fault, Duo. It's not your fault."  
  
I lift my head and meet eyes once more, weighing what I find there.   
Pity? Scorn? No. No, I find hurt, anger, concern, Heero. I've seen   
the same look on Heero. Love.  
  
"But I..."  
  
"No. No exceptions. They're bastards, all of them," she waves to my   
arms, the concealed wounds, "they did that to you. They did this to   
you," she carefully lays a finger on my burst lip. "This." She   
touches my bruised chest.   
  
I shake my head, lifting one of my arms and pushing back the sleeve.   
"I. I did this."  
  
Natasha reaches out and cups my cheek, "Yes, you made those wounds.   
Why?"  
  
Why?  
  
Everyone wants to know why. Only, the way Natasha says it, I know   
she's figured it out. She's too smart not to have. She wants to hear   
me admit it. Face it. I remember my promise to talk.  
  
So I tell her.  
  
I'm silent for a moment, though, gathering my thoughts. Trying to   
think back on all the days. "Tuesday. Almost three weeks ago. I had   
just gotten out of a job I'd taken, a little mechanic work. I'd told   
Heero I was meeting a friend for coffee... I didn't want him to know   
I was working on my free time. I planned on using the money to buy   
him a gift. Take him to dinner."  
  
She folds her hands in lap and gives me her full attention.  
  
I take the compact from her and open it, looking at my face. I twirl   
it over in my hands, forcing the words to come. "There's an alley, a   
little ways from the house. It's dark. Between two tall buildings. I   
use it all the time. Except, that day there was...someone there. I   
don't know who."  
  
"Did you see them?"  
  
I shake my head, "It was dark, I couldn't see. I wasn't looking. He   
grabbed me and hit me..." I reach up, touching the small scar over my   
eye, "I hit the floor and blacked out. I knew what was happening,   
though. I mean..."  
  
"I understand."  
  
"He took my money and I thought he would leave me. He was kneeling   
over me, one hand resting on my back. He...he..." I fumble over the   
words, face growing hot with shame and anger.  
  
"He said I was beautiful. Not handsome, beautiful. Pretty. Like...  
like I was a girl. Then, he..."  
  
Natasha reaches out and lays her hands over mine to quell their   
trembles. I forge ahead, "He took me."  
  
Then, she says it. Bluntly. "Raped you."  
  
Silence.  
  
Complete silence.   
  
It's the word I've been avoiding. I can't even think it, much less   
say it, but she's right. Yes. That's what it is...was...  
  
"Yes. He...raped me."  
  
I dare to meet her eyes, thinking I'll see disgust, pity, God knows   
what else. I see the same things hiding behind the crystal blue, hurt,  
anger, concern, pain, understanding. Love.   
  
I don't cry, although I want to. The scars across my heart fill like   
they can heal. I've said it. Rape. I roll the word over, horrified,   
terrified, I want to run from it, but I face it.   
  
I accept it.  
  
Natasha reaches out and strokes my freely flowing hair, "You blamed   
yourself. Because you were beautiful," she says softly. I get the   
feeling she truly does understand. She understands.   
  
It makes me want to cry, because Natasha understands me. Knows me.   
Not just because she read my file or went through my stuff, but   
because ... because of what I can see in her eyes. My eyes.  
  
"I really blacked out, when he finished, and I laid there. I don't   
know how long. When I woke it was dark, I wandered around for a long   
time. Then...it's like a light just clicked off and I forgot."  
  
She tilts her head, "You forgot what happened?"  
  
I nod, "I pushed it aside, I went home, told I'd did this," gesturing   
to the small scar, "walking into a pole. It's something I would do,   
no one thought second of it."  
  
Her hand strokes across the scars and fading wounds along my arms.  
  
"Two days later, Heero and I had a fight. Over something stupid. I'd   
forgotten to do the laundry, he got on to me for it, I got defensive.   
I'm usually not an angry person, but I got mad at Heero. We fought, I   
went to sulk in the bathroom, locking the door behind me."  
  
"And I looked in the mirror and..."  
  
I shrug, words failing me. I don't fully understand myself. It's   
vivid in my mind, horribly vivid.   
  
All the pain, the anger. Heero yelling. The memory of the alley.  
  
Natasha waits for me patiently, holding my hand in her lap. I look   
anywhere but at her face and continue, "I saw the cut above my eye.   
It all came back to me, and I suddenly couldn't stand to look at   
myself anymore. I took off my cross. It's heavy. I broke the mirror   
with it, I swung it on the chain and broke the mirror."  
  
"Heero's banging on the door, demanding to know what happened. I... I   
took a piece of the broken mirror. I knelt and I was going to cut my   
hair. Cut off my braid. Because..." I look at her, wanting her to   
fill in the painful motives for me.  
  
"Because you blamed yourself, for being beautiful. For your hair,"   
she smiles slight, "your pretty hair."  
  
I return to slight smile, glad for the break in the agonizing   
memories. "I couldn't do it. And..." I shrug and look down at my arms,  
tilting the exposed flesh, studying the angry slashes.  
  
Natasha gives me a hug and I cling to her, desperately steadying   
myself against the torrent of pain that lingers to one side,   
threatening to destroy me.   
  
It feels good, to have finally told someone.  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong, Duo. It's not your fault," she   
whispers, holding me tightly.   
  
I let the words fill me, and I realize that it's true. I think for   
the first time I might be able to regain my life.   
  
Heero.   
  
We separate and Natasha stands, offer me a hand up. I smile   
gratefully and stand. Reaching into my pocket, and I take out one of   
the many hair ties that seem to populate my clothes. I offer it to   
Natasha, "Would you braid my hair?"  
  
"Happily."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Although we want to spend the morning locked up in our room talking,   
Natasha and I both have therapy scheduled. It's nearly lunch before I   
can get free. I find her sitting in front of a chess board, by   
herself, with the pieces arranged before her.  
  
I sneak up behind her and watch for a moment, curious as to if she's   
trying to play with herself. She's controlling the black pieces, but   
there are only six in play. The king and queen, two rooks, a knight   
and a bishop.   
  
Across the board, on the white's side, is a full team. Natasha takes   
the queen and moves, but she doesn't play by the rules and takes out   
both rooks. She sets them aside, then has the black queen take out   
her own queen. Then, she suddenly laughs and sweeps a hand over the   
entire board, knocking over all the pieces except the remaining black.   
  
Five.  
  
Something goes off in my head, but before I can place it she rises,   
seeing me standing there. "No one would play me. I've beat them all   
before," she says with a smile, but I see a wary suspicion in my eyes.  
Is she curious to how long I've been watching?  
  
I look at the chessboard and start to ask, but she turns and walks   
towards the cafeteria, only seconds before the lunch announcement   
comes on over the speakers.  
  
"Let's get some food in you before your friends come," Natasha says   
brightly, the hooded suspicion gone from her eyes.  
  
I think I must have imagined it.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Okay everyone, the chapter you've been waiting for,  
the one that settles once in for all: "Why?"  
  
I'd like to address a concern one reviewer had about   
how negatively I portrayed the mental hospital. I'd just like to say   
that I'm sure the doctors and staff want nothing more than to help   
their patients, but they are overworked and underfunded, a bad   
combination. I don't want to send the image that mentally sick people   
shouldn't be put into hospitals, because they do need help.  
There are many fine facilities that aren't gray, dingy and depressing   
and are run by dedicated workers and equally dedicated doctors.  
Unfortunately, this hospital is not such a place. Duo feels they  
are out to get him, but what's to say he's wrong?   
I hope this helps clarify the issue and I'd like to say I deeply   
appreciate such concerns being raised.   
  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated! More chapters coming.  
  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	12. Individually Wrapped

LSE // 7-24-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Twelve: Individually Wrapped)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Individually Wrapped  
  
  
  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
Quatre carefully avoided meeting the piercing blue eyes that bore   
into the back of his head, "To the store."  
  
Heero looked warily to either side of him, where both Wufei and   
Trowa were passively looking out the window. He also looked to the   
empty seat in the front. "All four of us shouldn't be going to the   
store."  
  
"Just shut up and ride, Yuy," Wufei ordered. Trowa looked over and   
gave him the glare Quatre, as the driver, couldn't. Heero sat back   
and crossed his arms in what looked suspiciously like a sulk.  
  
"This isn't the way to the store."  
  
No one answered him, the other three carefully avoiding his eyes.   
Heero glared at them, individually and collectively. He didn't   
recognized the streets they were taking, nor the walled grounds they   
were entering. But he didn't need three guesses to know where they   
were.  
  
"This is that hospital," he accused, turning to Trowa. "What are we   
doing here?"  
  
Again, he didn't receive an answer. Wufei still looked angry.  
  
Quatre parked the car and they all piled out, except for Heero, who   
refused to move from his seat. "I'm not going in."  
  
Wufei started to use force, but Trowa and Quatre stopped him. "Come   
on, Heero, don't be like this," Quatre said.  
  
Blue met blue and held the other's gaze. Heero broke it off, turning   
his head away, "I'll just wait here."  
  
Trowa tightened his grip on Wufei's shoulder, feeling the muscles   
shift beneath his hand. Quatre sensed the growing tension and tried   
once more at diplomacy, "At least just come inside. It's too cold to   
be out here."  
  
"Then I'll run the heater."  
  
"No, you won't, come on. You can sit in the nurse's station."  
  
It was cold. What would sitting inside hurt? He nodded and got out   
as well. Satisfied with the uneasy truce, the four went inside. Like   
before, they were signed in and issued ID tags, but this time no   
guide came to greet them. The matron on duty simply waved them on   
through, since they knew where to find Duo.  
  
Heero hung back, leaning against the wall along the subtle line   
between the gray and white. His friends left him there, much to his   
partial disappointment. He sighed angrily and jammed his hand into   
his pockets.   
  
He didn't want to see Duo, couldn't they understand that? He didn't   
want to see cold fury and hurt reflected out him from violet orbs,   
they haunted him enough his nightmares. He offered a silent prayer   
to the God he no longer believed in, but Duo held in such high   
regard, that Duo would be happy here.  
  
Until he got better.  
  
He would get better, wouldn't he? The doctors had assured him this   
wasn't unusual, they could help Duo. He needed help.  
  
Heero sighed, pricking his ears to catch sounds of ... laughter.   
Curiosity got the best of him and he slowly left his the safety of   
the nurse's station and submerged into the hospital.  
  
He stopped advancing when he rounded a corner and found himself   
standing out the outskirts of a living area, several room clustered   
together and separated from another by Plexiglas. Duo sat on a sofa   
visiting with Quatre and Trowa.  
  
A thousand emotions poured through Heero's head upon seeing Duo.   
From his position of the observer, Duo was happy. The violet hues   
focused on Quatre reflected none of the horrors Heero had seen twirl   
past. He sagged against the wall, ashamed at his lack of strength.  
  
Could he not even look at Duo without feeling this heaviness, this   
slow settling of dread that he'd carried for so long?  
  
Heero crossed his arms and tried to look casual as he simply watched   
Duo. The longer he looked at him, the more the ache in his heart   
demanded he go over and say something. Hug him, or something.  
  
"You're Heero."  
  
Without moving the rest of his body, Heero rolled his eyes towards   
who had spoken to him. He nodded once, then looked back to Duo.  
  
"Aren't you going to ask how I knew?"  
  
"It's on the ID."  
  
To his surprised, the girl laughed, "Are you always like this?"  
  
Getting angry, he turned to her, "What?"  
  
"You don't strike me as Duo's type," she said with a smile, as if   
she expected him to be impressed with her knowing he was here to see   
Duo.  
  
Heero looked down at his ID and then back at the girl, "It says I'm   
visiting Duo Maxwell on here."  
  
"But the ID doesn't say you're his lover."  
  
Heero's eyes narrowed, glaring at the girl. She smiled smugly back,   
satisfaction of having raised his curiosity, but her smile faded into   
a scowl when he said, "You must have heard that from Duo."  
  
"You idiot, anyone could tell from the look in your eyes."  
  
The girl looked calmly into the grip of Heero's death-glare. Heero   
let out an angry sigh, "Do you have some purpose?"  
  
The girl shrugged, "I wanted to meet you. Put a personality to the   
face." She laughed, "Usually it's the other way around, putting a   
face to the personalty, but Duo hasn't said much about what you're   
like. Let me just say, I'm surprised."  
  
Heero blinked slowly, "What?"  
  
"You're just completely not Duo. I expected someone like him."  
  
Steel eyes narrowed, "Well, get over it." And with that Heero ended   
the conversation but turning to leave, but the girl stepped out in   
front of him, preventing his escape. Heero rocked to a halt and   
glared.  
  
"All right, screw the small talk then. You can't keep this up.   
Someday you'll realize how much he means to you, but then it'll be   
too late, because you'll have put so much distance between you that   
it will be impossible for you to ever have him. He'll be gone, and   
you'll be alone. Cold. Empty. Alone."  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Just a friend," she replied, pale blue eyes fairly glowing with   
anger. She stepped aside and let him leave.   
  
Heero gave her an odd look, but gratefully left her presence. He was   
no sooner back in the safety of the white hall when Wufei came around   
the corner and approached Heero, who looked at him curiously.  
  
Wufei'd been almost constantly in a fit of rage around Heero since   
Sunday, and Heero had yet to figure out why. Not that he cared what   
the Chinese man felt towards him. He wasn't Duo.  
  
"You're not even going to say hello to Duo?"  
  
"Haven't planned on it."  
  
"Kisama!"  
  
Quatre comes hurrying around the corner, relief filling his face as   
he sees Wufei and Heero aren't rolling around on floor in a brawl.  
  
"At least say hello," Wufei growls out.  
  
Heero raises an eyebrow. Quatre fixes his eyes on him, pleading.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"...but it's up his nose!" Quatre says. I laugh politely at the joke,   
but I'm not really paying attention. I can see Heero, and it's enough   
to stop all cognitive processes. Natasha's talking to him, I wish I   
knew what they were saying.  
  
Why won't Heero come talk to me?   
  
Natasha steps aside, anger written all over her face, and Heero   
brushes past her. I quickly look away before he sees me and ask   
Quatre about a I show I use to always watch. I haven't watched it   
since I got here, the television seems to be stuck on the weather   
channel. Someone I get feeling it's on purpose, to drive us all   
crazy...crazier...with the knowledge of what the weather is, but   
with no for us to experience it.  
  
Yet, I know it's cold outside and I know that it will snow tonight   
and tomorrow. Maybe it'll turn into a blizzard and we'll all get   
trapped in the hospital and the nurses and Doctor Ruini will be   
forced to eat hospital food.   
  
I look once more to the Heero heading back down the hall towards the   
exit. Is he leaving, or just going to wait at nurse's station?  
  
Suddenly, I realize Wufei's staring at me, reading the sudden look   
of despair to cross over my face. He follows my line of sight and   
sees Heero. Wufei's dark eyes follow Heero for a moment, surprise   
mingling with an intense anger as he stands. I look at him as he   
gives a polite excuse and leaves, quickly pursuing Heero.  
  
Quatre looks alarmed and hesitates a few moments before going after   
the royally pissed-looking Wufei.  
  
It's just me and Trowa. We look at each other for a moment. Trowa   
nods as if just realizing something and stands, reaching into his   
back pocket and pulling free a flattened object. He offers it to me,   
sitting once more.  
  
I take it, slightly confused, and turn it over. It's tan and   
originally must have been bigger, because it's squished between thin   
layers of plastic. I'm able to identify it as an individually   
wrapped chocolate cookie, hopelessly mangled from being in Trowa's   
tight jean's back pocket.  
  
"Thanks, Trowa!" I say cheerfully, glancing around to make sure no   
one saw the exchange. I tuck it into my own pocket, "The food here's   
just horrible. I think I've lost weight."  
  
Trowa nods and the silence lengthens. I look around for something to   
do and spot the chess board Natasha was seated at earlier. "Hey,   
wanna play?" I ask, scooping the fallen pieces off the board.  
  
We're not very far into the game when Wufei returns, followed by   
Quatre and...  
  
Heero.  
  
It's like one of those corny romance movies. I stand and everything   
fades away and all I can see is Heero. He's not meeting my gaze.  
  
I'm not even aware of the other three conveniently locating   
themselves elsewhere. I fill with silence with a nervous cough and   
Heero finally looks at me. "Hello," he says at last.  
  
I probably would have burst into laughter if it wasn't so cold. Like   
his eyes. He's mad at me? "Heero," I reply cordially.  
  
The words hang between us.  
  
"I did it for you," Heero blurts out suddenly, surprising himself as   
well as me.  
  
"I know."  
  
He looks at me, startled, "What?"  
  
"But you promised," I whisper in a small voice, even though I swore   
to myself I'd give Heero a chance. The betrayal still burns in me.  
  
The startled look fades into stone, "I thought you understood. I did   
it for you."  
  
"I didn't ask you to."  
  
"Fine," Heero says, turning abruptly and storming from the room.   
  
I want to call him back, but I can't. I feel betrayed.  
  
If only he'd apologized...  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
As the door opened, Natasha looked up. Expecting to see Duo, even   
though he should still be with his friends. She stood in surprise as   
a lean young man with wild dark hair walked in.  
  
Heero.  
  
He look at her, equally surprised, but only for a moment. "So. You're   
his roommate."  
  
She didn't say anything, since he really wasn't asking a question.   
Wordlessly, he crossed the room and stood in the center of Duo's   
space. She watched as he opened the side table drawer and looked   
inside, then closing it and looking over to her.  
  
"I talked to him."  
  
Natasha sat on her bed once more, look up at him blankly, "And?"  
  
Heero sighed in frustration, "He said he understood. Why I'd done it."  
  
"Did he?"  
  
Heero shrugged, " I said I'd done for him, he said he knew."  
  
"But he didn't really say he understood."  
  
Heero stared at her, "No..."  
  
She shrugged, "So what did he say?"  
  
"I don't know why I'm even talking to you."  
  
"Well, why did you come in here?"  
  
"None of your business."  
  
She shrugged again and went back to braiding together strips of her   
older clothes. He muttered darkly, but she ignored him.  
  
"I wanted to see what it's like in here."  
  
Natasha looked up at him, putting down her braiding, "You put him   
here without even knowing what sort of facility it was?"  
  
"I trusted the doctor," Heero pointed out, "and I didn't have very   
long to decide. Duo had just been hit by a car."  
  
Natasha tried not to show surprise. She hadn't heard the details of   
Duo's committal, just what she'd read in the folder. "You didn't come   
on Sunday."  
  
"I couldn't see him. I can't see him, not like this." Heero suddenly   
glared at her, "And why do you keep asking all these questions? It   
isn't any of your business!"  
  
"No one ever said you had to answer them," Natasha replied, returning   
to braiding the strips of cloth. "But if you want my opinion..."  
  
"Which I don't."  
  
"You're only going to get one more chance."  
  
"What?"  
  
Natasha tied another strip on to one that had run low and continued   
braiding, "You'll only get one more chance with Duo. Blow that one   
and you'll never see him again, except in your nightmares. His eyes   
will haunt you, and you'll forever curse yourself. Good luck.   
Good-bye. Close the door on your way out."  
  
"You're fucking crazy."  
  
She looked up at Heero, pinning him with her pale stare, "Yes. I   
guess you would say that I am."  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Did you catch the hidden joke? Hint: Natasha says it.  
Still can't figure it out? I wish you good luck...  
Sorry this took so long. I spent hours trying to write Duo and Heero's  
conversation...   
Please, tell me, what's your theory on Natasha?  
  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated! More chapters coming.  
  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	13. Deadman Walking

LSE // 7-24-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Thirteen: Deadman Walking)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Deadman Walking  
  
  
  
  
At lunch, I was so hungry I'd completely forgotten about Natasha and   
her needs for food. At dinner, I remembered as soon as I saw her   
start pushing the food around like she normally does. I stopped   
wolfing down my macaroni and cheese and looked at her, sitting   
across me. She's being oddly quiet.  
  
"You need to eat."  
  
She shrugs, "I suppose."  
  
"Seriously. Here, we'll switch plates."  
  
"I'm not hungry."  
  
I want to tell her she's just being paranoid, I want to ask if she   
really is a spy, but I can't. I'm afraid I'll hurt her. She's been so   
great to me, she's helped me so much. I've been so selfish. I've been   
so involved with my issues, I haven't even thought to help her.  
  
And she's leaving tomorrow.  
  
"Well... All right, then take this," I say, sliding the squished   
cookie, still in it's package, across to her.  
  
She looks at it, "But your friend gave this to you."  
  
"You can have it."  
  
She takes it and offers me a smile. I feel better, because I got her   
to smile, and turn back to my food. I'm bothered by the exchange I   
had with Heero, and resolve next time to try harder to move past my   
feelings of betrayal.  
  
I want to know more about her conspiracy theories. But are they   
really theories? I'm starting to believe her more and more. She seems   
too sane to hold on to such an illusion. She's smarter than the   
doctors, I think.   
  
I don't know why she's even here. Even she's being paranoid, it   
doesn't effect how she behaves. She's rational, she's observant,   
she's brilliant. A genius.  
  
"I think you should forgive Heero."  
  
"What?" I look up in surprise.  
  
She nods, "Forgive him. So you two and go live in relative happiness."  
  
"Relative happiness?"  
  
"Life isn't a fairy tale, you're not going to get happily ever after.   
That's not the point. The point is, you need to forgive him."  
  
"But he..."  
  
"He loves you, Duo."  
  
I suddenly don't want to listen to her. Even though she's right.   
She's always right. About everything. "Oh, what do you know..." I   
grumble, grabbing my tray and throwing it away. I head back to the   
room, for a good sulking.  
  
Natasha follows me, "It's my job to know."  
  
I sigh, "Okay, you're right. Next time I see Heero, I'll try my   
hardest to patch things over."  
  
"Swear it."  
  
I look at her curiously, walking into our room. "Sure."  
  
"No. Seriously. Swear it to me."  
  
"Okay, I swear. I promise you, next time I see Heero."  
  
She nods in satisfaction, "I'll expect you to hold that promise."  
  
I lay on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. In my bedroom at home,   
I can see things in the ceiling. Like with clouds. Here, the ceilings   
are boring tiles.  
  
"You didn't tell me you got hit by a car."  
  
I look over at her, startled. "Then how do you know?"  
  
She spreads her hands innocently, "You know me better than to ask   
that. I'm a spy. It's my job."  
  
I concede she has a point and let the question drop. Maybe one of   
the nurses told her. Or maybe it was in my folder. I want to look at   
that thing some time, if for no other reason that see what medication   
they've got me on. "I never told you?"  
  
She shakes her head.  
  
"I was shopping with Heero and I got lost. I tried to walk home,   
using the alley as a shortcut. I freaked out and ran into the street."  
  
"How badly were you hit?"  
  
"I don't know. They didn't take me to the hospital. When I got home,   
Doctor Ruini was there. I blacked out and when I woke up..." I   
gestured around to the gray walls, "They put me in here. Heero put   
me in here. After he promised not to."  
  
"He promised?"  
  
I nod, feeling tears. I sigh, "He promised... He said he trusted me.   
He wouldn't let them take me. He wouldn't give up on me. And then he   
just gave up." I sigh in anger. Feeling angry is easier than crying.  
  
Natasha turns this information over carefully, I can see her doing   
it. She's weighing everything, placing it all together in a neat   
little puzzle for her to come long and solve. "And now you've   
promised to forgive him," she says at last.  
  
I shrug, "That I have."  
  
"Will you remember me when I'm gone, Duo?"  
  
I nod, "I'll give you my address. You write me, where ever you end   
up, okay? Hey, you promise me that. Promise me you'll write me once   
you get out."  
  
Natasha looks at me carefully. I'm mildly surprised she doesn't   
immediately smile and agreed. I start to get a little worried, but   
then remind myself of her delusion. She's just trying to make sure   
it won't interfere with her secrecy, or some other spy things.   
  
She obviously doesn't take promises lightly.   
  
"All right," she says at last, "I promise."  
  
I grin and look for a piece of paper. I carefully write out the   
house's address and give it to her. She goes over to her dresser and   
takes out the silver compact she's got hidden away in there.   
  
I look at it for a moment, admiring the rose etched into the front.   
She folds the paper and sets it within the compact.  
  
"I'll miss you, Duo," she says, walking over and sitting beside me   
on the bed.   
  
I nod a little, "Is there any chance we can meet up again once I'm   
out?" If I'm out, the tiny voice inside me whispers. If you ever get   
out... I beat the voice up and steal it's lunch money.  
  
Natasha looks doubtful, "I don't know. I'll try, but my comrades   
probably won't want me taking another risk like this again." She   
smiles and stands, grabbing my hand. "Let's go play chess."  
  
As we leave, I can still feel the warmth of her hand on mine. I   
remember when we first met, she said she didn't shake hands. I'd   
filed it away as simply part of her problems. Maybe she was just   
trying to be cold, like Heero.   
  
Or maybe she'd been testing me. Seeing how I'd react.  
  
Or maybe I'm thinking too much.  
  
We fight over who gets to play with the black pieces and finally we   
get the other chess set and steal the black pieces from it.  
  
Natasha wins easily, and we play another game. We play until a nurse   
comes by and makes the announcement for lights out.   
  
I grumble about the general unfairness of things. As we're leaving,   
I see Natasha steal one of the chess pieces. The queen. I don't say   
anything about it, but looks up and sees me looking at her and smiles,  
pressing a finger to her lips and making a light, "Shh..."  
  
I shake my head with a slight laugh. Inside, I want to know why she   
took it. A souvenir for when she leaves?  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Since it's her last night, Natasha and I sit together on my bed and   
whisper long past lights out. Per her request, I fill her in on all   
the details of my life. I tell her about the war and my gundam,   
Deathscythe. She listens carefully, you can almost see the wheels   
turning.  
  
I have no idea what time it is, but it's late. I'm laying across my   
bed in the darkness, with Natasha sitting near my feet. I'm getting   
tired, and I sense Natasha is, too.  
  
"Natasha?" I whisper, picking her out among the shadows.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"Goodnight, Duo," Natasha says after a long pause. The bed creaks   
slightly as she gets up and goes over to her side of the room. I   
shrug into the night, I'm not in the mood to press information out of   
her.  
  
"Goodnight, Natasha. When are you leaving tomorrow?"  
  
"Early in the morning."  
  
"Well, don't go without saying good-bye," I mutter, turning on my   
side. I don't hear her response, because I'm asleep.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Duo."  
  
Pale eyes look down at me.  
  
"I'm leaving."  
  
It's still dark. No, barely dark. Predawn light.  
  
"Now?" I mumble, still half-asleep.  
  
She leans down and brushes her lips against my cheek, "Yes, now.   
Good-bye, Duo."  
  
Have I gone back to asleep? I force my eyes open.  
  
She looks down at me still. I sit up and look at her, was that a   
dream? I'm confused.  
  
"I'm leaving."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Yes, now."  
  
I hug her. "Remember, you promised to write me," I say around the   
lump threatening to make me cry.  
  
She nods, pulling away. She hands me a glass of water.  
  
I look at it, then up at her, "What?"  
  
"Drink," she commands.  
  
I shrug and take a good long sip. It tastes sour, I recoil and put it   
on the table with a grimace, "That's disgusting."  
  
She bullies me into lying back down. She tucks the covers up over me,   
"It'll make you go to back to sleep. Remember your promise."  
  
"I will."  
  
"Good-bye."  
  
"Good..." my eyelids are heavy. They drop. "...bye..."   
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
With a yawn, I stretch out in the bed and lazily open my eyes,   
staring up at the boring ceiling. What time is it?   
  
I flick my wrist up in front of my eyes and look at the time.  
  
8:43  
  
I sit upright, staring at the watch in disbelief. I look over to see   
if Natasha's slept in as well, but her bed is empty, and I recall   
the hazy events of earlier in the morning.  
  
The half-drank glass of water is on my table. It wasn't a dream...  
  
And she's gone. I get up and dress slowly, in jeans and a T-shirt,   
despite the chill. The heater never seems to operate properly here.   
Even though I don't want to, I get up and open up Natasha's drawer.  
  
It's empty.  
  
Except for the black queen.  
  
I pick it up slowly, then look at the piece of paper beneath it.   
I've never seen Natasha's handwriting, but looking at the loopy   
scrawl, I know it's hers.  
  
"For you to remember me," I read it aloud. I slip the chess piece   
into my pocket and sigh. She didn't sign it, but she'd made a   
rubbing of the design off her compact, of the rose.  
  
Why didn't a nurse come wake me? Maybe this is something they do on   
Thursdays. I step out into the hall and head for the cafeteria, but I   
stop short, staring at the chaos that was once the living areas.  
  
I see another patient hovering at the end of the hall, hugging a   
teddy bear to her. I seem to recall her from somewhere, so I go up to   
her and ask, "What happened?"  
  
She looks over at me, "Did you hear?"  
  
I shake my head.  
  
"Two of the orderlies were found hanging over there," she points to   
the living area, "dead. And they found who killed them laying right   
beneath them. A girl. Dead."  
  
"What?" I whisper, shocked.  
  
"Yes, sir, dead. Girl was poisoned, they said."  
  
Chill sets to very core of my being. Cognitive process stopped.  
  
Two orderlies.  
  
Poison.  
  
Rope.  
  
Natasha.  
  
I'm running, running past them all. Someone shouts. I round the   
corner and see the white halls, the nurse's station.  
  
I see outside. I see the ambulances. I see the door's closing.  
  
But for one instant, I saw her.  
  
Black.  
  
Someone's holding my shoulder's, shouting.   
  
"Natasha!" I scream, trying to break free. They're taking her away.  
  
"Duo!" some screams back.  
  
I stare into Doctor Ruini's eyes.  
  
"I know you two were close, but you have to stay here..."  
  
I struggle free of her grip and back away, staring at her. Poisoned.  
"You did it. She was right all along. She was right."  
  
"Duo, what are you talking about?"  
  
"Natasha. You killed her. Poison. Fucking killed her."  
  
"You need to calm down, Duo, I..."  
  
I scream, clamping my hands over my ears. I won't listen to her. I   
won't. I can't stay here.  
  
I can't stay here.  
  
I reach out and grab the doctor's wrist, she gasps and tries to pull   
free. I drag her into the nurse's station, the nurses looking up in   
surprise. "I'm leaving."  
  
"What? Duo, you can't leave. Duo...?"  
  
"Watashi wa... Shinigami," I intone, my eyes scanning across the   
counters. I see one of the nurse's slowly inching her hand towards   
the sedative needles. I grab a flask off the counter and smash it   
into the edge of the desk, quickly lifting the broken off glass to   
the doctor's neck. She makes a weak sound of protest, but I ignore it.  
  
"Don't move." I tell them, my voice dead. Heero monotone dead.   
  
Shinigami.  
  
"Duo, put that down," the doctor orders.  
  
I ignore her.  
  
I'm thinking fast, trying to form a plan. I can't stay here.  
  
"No one move."  
  
Holding the glass to the doctor's throat, I move to the door,   
dragging her towards the exit. I'll steal a car, then ditch Ruini   
somewhere.  
  
"Duo..."  
  
I correct her, "Shinigami."  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: This one comes out so close to chapter twelve because   
I'm shutting down all contact with the outside world in order to   
finish this 'fic. I'm only talking to my muses and my beta-reader,   
Savie. Must...finish...'fic...  
  
Watashi wa Shinigami - I am Shinigami  
Shinigami - God of Death  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated! More chapters coming.  
  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	14. Homecoming

LSE // 7-25-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Fourteen: Homecoming)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Homecoming  
  
  
  
  
Outside it's cold, and the wind is howling. There is snow, like the   
weathermen said. Weatherwoman. Weatherperson.  
  
The doctor is saying something, protesting my rough treatment of her.   
I ignore her, like I ignore the cold. It pierces my skin, my shirt   
doing little to stop it, but I'm so cold already it's a moot point.   
Chilled to the bone. I can see the tire tracks from the ambulances,   
which have already left.   
  
Natasha.  
  
I look at the cars and see police cars. To investigate the murders.   
Natasha's murders. Of the two orderlies.  
  
That's how my brain in functioning, scattered thoughts. I can't seem   
to focus on anything but escape. I spot the doctor's sports car and   
drag her over to it, shouting, "Where are the keys?"  
  
"Release the woman!" some else shouts.   
  
I look up and see two policemen, guns drawn, running out from the   
hospital. I drag the doctor upright and hold the broken glass to her   
neck, "Get back!" I scream.  
  
"Do as he says," Doctor Ruini shouts. "The keys are in my back   
pocket," she says to me.  
  
I don't trust her, especially since there is no way I can hold my   
grip on her and keep the glass to her throat AND fetch the keys. I   
glare at her and she looks at me challengingly. "Then get them.   
Slowly."  
  
She slips her hand into the pocket and I hear the sound of keys   
clicking together. She slowly pulls them out and I look over to the   
cops.  
  
I fucking look away.  
  
Stupid.  
  
I realize it was a mistake when pain jolts through the arm holding   
her wrist. She's got a miniature tazer on her keychain, and it   
applying it liberally to the bare skin of my arm. I let out a   
startled oath and release her, but before she can run I start to grab   
her with my other hand. She screams.  
  
Gun shots.  
  
Pain.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Heero looked up from the keyboard, eyes locking on the small window   
on the opposite side of the room. Something was wrong.  
  
The house was quiet. He was the only one home.  
  
Something was wrong.  
  
Heero got up and left the office, clicking the light off. He paused   
at the doorway of his bedroom, thinking about Duo. About yesterday.   
Even though it was irrational, he couldn't shake the feeling that   
something horrible had just happened.  
  
With a sigh, he turned away and went back to the office.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Everything stops. I stand there, staring at the doctor's wide eyes.   
She look horrified. Shouts. Pain.  
  
I stumble into the car, my arm protectively curled around my waist as   
blood pours out from the wound. It's warm, despite how cold I feel   
inside. Blood drips onto the white snow.  
  
With a bloody hand, I grab the keys from the stunned doctor. Opening   
the door, I all but collapse into the driver's seat. Another gun shot   
goes off, I think they're aiming for the tires.  
  
The engine roars to life and I'm off, racing down the drive.  
  
Behind me, the doctor still stands there stunned while the policemen   
scramble, to call for backup. There's so much pain, but it fades away   
with the knowledge I've just blown all my chances at a relatively   
happy ending to hell.  
  
Tires squeal in protest as I jerk the car out onto the road. The   
speedometer creeps up towards ninety kilometers per hour. I've never   
fully been able to grasp the metric system. I could be going twenty,   
for all I know, but the ground is a blur.  
  
My vision clouds over and I shake my head to clear it. I don't see   
the tree until it's too late. I scream along with the brakes as I try   
and stop the car. Everything explodes before me, but that's just my   
head hitting the steering wheel.  
  
I pray to whatever Gods that be it's nothing worse and force myself   
from the car. Dammit. The pain in my side causes me to groan as I   
pitch forward and fall into the snow. I lay there for a minute, then   
crawl upright and collapse against the car, breathing hard.  
  
I'm no stranger to gunshots. I got plenty during the war. I gave   
plenty. I tear a strip of my shirt off and tie it tightly around my   
waist, over the wound. Knives of pain shake through me, but it will   
slow the bleeding.  
  
I pull myself to my feet and take in my surroundings. I must not have   
been going incredibly fast, because the car's caved around the tree,   
but the damage isn't beyond repair. I should know. I was a mechanic.  
  
I'm shocked to see I'm no where near the hospital. Christ, I hadn't   
thought I had been behind the wheel that long.  
  
The shock doubles when I realize I'm within walking distance of the   
house. But, I'm now a fugitive. Grand theft sports car. I don't want   
to involve my friends, so I decide I'll only stay long enough to   
patch myself up before I flee for space.  
  
Space.  
  
It'll mean leaving Heero, even though I promised I'd try things with   
him again. But... Only if I see him. And I know everyone is at work,   
so there's no reason I'll see Heero, even though that breaks my heart.  
  
A quick search of the doctor's car rewards me with a leather jacket   
with fur trim. Excellent. I put it on, wincing around the pain in my   
side, and zip it up tightly. I wipe my bloody hands on my pants.   
Looking in the review mirror, I decide I look halfway normal.  
  
I stumble through the snow, thankful for the weather, because I can   
stumble and everyone who sees me will think I'm simply fighting the   
wind.  
  
The house if further away than I had thought.  
  
It's very cold, and I can feel myself loosing blood. I should stop   
and rest, but I can't take the risk. I hear sirens, and wonder if I'm   
imagining them.   
  
Natasha.  
  
She calls to me and I turn, peering out into the snow flurry. But   
she's not there, and she never will be, and I'll never get my letter   
from her.  
  
How long had she been planning that?  
  
Heero.  
  
He calls me to me, and I strive onward.  
  
The house is locked, but I retrieve the spare key from under the mat   
and open the door. It's silent, no one is home, as I thought.  
  
I enter into the warmth and close the door, sagging against it.   
There's a fuzzy blackness around my vision.   
  
I have a growing suspicion I'll not make it into space.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
I look up, eyes wide, and see Heero staring at me, his own eyes wide.  
  
Fuzzy blackness. "Heero?"  
  
"Duo, what are you doing here?"  
  
I promised Natasha.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"What?" He slowly walks over, stopping a few feet from me, eyes   
locked on my face.  
  
"I'm not mad at you, Hee-chan, I...I just want things to be like they   
were, but..." My voice is small, weak. I bite my lip, feeling tears   
prick behind my eyes. I haven't called in Hee-chan in a long, long   
time, not since we were still boys.  
  
He looks shocked.  
  
I plunge ahead, ignoring the tears that flow down my cheeks, "It was   
wrong of me to make you promise those thing, when you couldn't...I   
mean... When I... At the hospital, I... Oh, Hee, I just want us to be   
together. In relative happiness. But...I've blown it, haven't I?" I   
close my eyes and let myself go limp, sliding down the door to my   
knees.  
  
Calloused hands cup my face, a gentle finger brushing away the tears.   
I open my eyes in surprise to find Heero kneeling beside me. "I was   
wrong."  
  
My eye widen, to hear Heero admit he's wrong...!   
  
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...but I was scared... Duo?"  
  
He's sorry.  
  
Some of the chill eases, I begin to feel again.  
  
Heero grabs my head as it starts to fall onto my chest, "Duo? Duo!   
Are you all right? Shit, you're freezing..."  
  
I force my eyes open...when had they closed?...and look at him. "I   
love you," I say, as the darkness engulfs me completely.   
  
"Duo!"  
  
Silence.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
As soon as he stepped out of the car, snow smacked straight into   
Quatre's face. Stumbling backward, he fought against the wind and   
started to the house. He felt Trowa's hand go around his waist and   
immediately snuggled into it, feeling the warmth and security wrap   
around him.  
  
Lifting his keys, he started to unlock the door, but it was already   
unlocked. Trowa twisted the knob and they stepped inside together,   
stamping snows off their boots before removing them and tucking them   
to the side.  
  
Quatre frowned, looking down at wet puddles of melted snow. Had Heero   
gone outside? Giving it a mental shrug, he went into the living room   
and sat on the sofa. Despite the dangerous condition of the roads,   
they'd made it home into for him to catch the news.  
  
He felt the blood literally run from his face as the reporter,   
standing outside Duo's institution said, "Although the hospital has   
yet to give out all the information, it appears that there have been   
two deaths. These are suspected to be homicide, but, again, details   
are sketchy at this point. We have yet to find about the rumored   
third death, a possible suicide. It is known, however, that at least   
one patient made an escape during the..."  
  
Whatever the reporter said after that fell on deaf ears. Quatre   
started a mad dash up the stairs, Trowa close behind him.   
  
"Heero! Heero, have you heard on the news..." he said, bursting into   
the office.   
  
No one sat behind the desk.  
  
Scenarios whirled before Quatre's eyes, each one for horrendous than   
the last. Suddenly, a distinct feeling gripped his heart and he   
almost fainted at the intensity of the pain. Duo.  
  
Trowa steadied him, concern written over his normally stoic features,   
"What is it?"  
  
"Duo...and it's close..." Quatre wandered free of Trowa's arms,   
guided down the hall. He stopped before the closed bedroom door   
belonging to the braided man in question. He rapped on the wood.  
  
When he received no answer, he gently pushed it open and peeked a   
head in, Trowa right behind him.  
  
Quatre gasped, letting go of the door knob. The lights were off and   
the only light was a dim trickle from the open window, partially   
hidden by the snowstorm outside, but he could clearly see Duo in the   
bed. Heero sat beside him, laying across the bed with his head laying   
on Duo's chest, his eyes closed in sleep.  
  
Trowa opened the door completely and stepped around the shocked   
blonde. He'd noticed what Quatre hadn't when they'd come into the   
house, blood stained against the door and a trail leading upstairs.   
In fact, looking down he could see drops on the carpet.  
  
As if aware he was being watched, Heero slowly opened his eyes and   
sat up, silently taking in the shocked expression on Quatre's face   
and the blank one across Trowa's.  
  
Questions rolled through Quatre's head like thunder, but he carefully   
shifted through them and found the most important, "What happened?"  
  
Heero looked down at the pale face of his lover, "He's been shot."  
  
Quatre gasped, hurrying over, "Where?"  
  
Carefully, Heero folded down the blanket to Duo's waist, showing the   
white band of leftover gauze he'd wrapped securely around the wound.   
"Head injury, also," Heero pulled the blanket up to around Duo's chin   
and gestured to the nasty bump on Duo's forehead.  
  
"They'll come looking for him," Trowa said simply. "They'll see the   
blood."  
  
Quatre recovered from his initial shock and shook his head, "No they   
won't. I'll clean it up. Trowa, stay here with Duo. Heero, you come   
with me, it'll be more believable that way."  
  
"You plan on lying to the police, Quatre?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Heero nodded in satisfaction, but looked reluctant to leave Duo.   
Despite the gravity of the situation, Quatre felt his heart give a   
happy little jump. The concern Heero tried so hard to hide shone   
through his anguished cobalt blue eyes like a beacon, signaling the   
love Quatre always knew was there, even when he seemed distant and   
pushed Duo aside.  
  
In a surprising show of affection, Heero leaned over and brushed his   
lips over Duo's. Backing away from the bed, he looked to Trowa and   
they exchanged a moment of unspoken agreement. "Get me if he wakes   
up," Heero announced, receiving a nod from Trowa.  
  
As Heero sat beside the window waiting for police to show up, Quatre   
scrubbed at the stains. Eventually, he conceding defeat and fetched   
the paint leftover from redecorating the kitchen. After slapping a   
little on the door, the stains were no longer noticeable. He went   
ahead and painted the entire door, for a more believable look.  
  
The floor proved easier, the tile of the entry hall proving much more   
forgiving than bathroom tiles or doors. Quatre feverishly thanked   
himself for insisting they get stain-proof carpet, because the blood   
came out without a fight from the cream-coloring flooring.  
  
"Company's here," Heero said. Quatre picked up his cleaning bucket   
and beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen to put it away while Heero   
made a quick once-over of the room.  
  
"Are you religious, Quatre?"  
  
"Sometimes ... why?"  
  
"Now would be a good time to pray."  
  
Quatre opened the door and offered the policemen a casual smile,   
doing his best to portray innocence and simple curiosity, "May I help   
you?"  
  
"May we come in?"  
  
Quatre stepped aside, smiling all the while, "Yes, of course. Please   
do." He escorted them into the living room, where Heero sat,   
according to plan. Heero did a remarkable job of staring blankly at   
the television, then looking over and putting a very convincing   
expression of confusion across his face.  
  
Too late, Quatre realized what station the television was on. The   
police looked over and saw the news playing, then looked back to   
Quatre, who smiled in return. "Is there a problem, officers?"  
  
Heero did an equally performance of shock and mixed grief when the   
police informed them that Duo was on the run, having escaped.   
Actually, the police filled in a lot of the blanks they didn't know.   
  
Including why Duo had been shot.  
  
Heero made a weak sound of protest in his throat when the police told   
them Duo had threatened Doctor Ruini's life. "Do you have any idea   
where me might be?"  
  
"We found the car he'd stolen wrapped around a tree not far from   
here. The snow's covered up the tracks, but we thought he might have   
come here. Have you been home all day?"  
  
Heero nodded.  
  
"If he shows up, we'll be sure to call the proper authorities right   
away," Quatre assured them, "especially since he's hurt. Please,   
hurry and find him. He needs help."  
  
Heero shot him a look of mixed approval at the performance once the   
policemen were heading for the door. No sooner had the door closed   
safely behind them that Trowa appeared in the doorway, face grave.  
  
Quatre noticed him there before Heero, who turned a few second later   
and paled when he saw the look on Trowa's face.  
  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Ah, the suspense! I've been typing like a madwoman.   
Do you think I can get in another full chapter before I head to bed?   
It's one in the morning right now. I have at least another three   
hours... Chapter fifteen, here I come!   
  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated! More chapters coming.  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	15. Promise Made

LSE // 7-25-02  
(Completing the Silence - Chapter Fifteen: Promise Made)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Promise Made  
  
  
  
  
There's a comfortable weight on my chest. I don't know how long I   
drift in the haze of unconsciousness, but soon I hear whispered   
voices. Rising through the haze to hear them, I feel the edges of   
pain and slip back, deeper, to the very verge of awareness.  
  
The weight leaves me and I feel an intense sense of longing, but   
another gentle hold takes my hand and I lay like that for a long   
time, taking comfort from whoever is holding my hand.  
  
At last, I shove through the haze, allowing the pain to swirl up and   
take me. I moan and whoever is holding my hand stirs. "Duo?"  
  
Heero...? No, that isn't Heero. Heero... How much of what I can   
remember was a dream? Pain, I remember the pain. Different pain. New   
pain, old pain. Heero... I remember seeing Heero, but was that real?   
I remember stumbling through the snow...it hurts too much to think...  
  
"Duo?"  
  
I'm alone, whoever it was has left me. I want to retreat away from   
this awareness, this pain I feel. Footsteps, I hear them as they race   
up the stairs and...  
  
Stairs.  
  
Fucking stairs. There are no stairs in hospitals, not ones that I  
could hear footsteps on.  
  
"Duo!"  
  
Heero.  
  
I'm falling into nothingness. Heero. I'm so sorry, Heero...   
  
Shinigami.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"He's awake," was all Trowa said.  
  
Heero bolted, tearing up the stairs. Quatre started to follow, but   
Trowa reached out and stopped him, shaking his head slightly. "He's   
lost a lot of blood, Quatre."  
  
Eyes widening in horror, Quatre stared up into the one emerald eye   
he could see. "What?" he whispered, "What are you trying to say?"  
  
"I don't know if he'll make it."  
  
Tears rapidly blurred out his view of Trowa. The taller man embraced   
him into a hug, "He needs a doctor, Quatre. A real one. But if we   
take him to the hospital..."  
  
Quatre nodded against Trowa's chest, "They'll take him away."  
  
A disgusted snort from behind them shook them back to the real word   
and Quatre separated from Trowa, a bright blush growing across his   
cheeks. "Wufei."  
  
The Chinese man in question closed the door and took off his shoes   
and coat. He started to say something, but stopped at the look on   
Quatre's face, "Is something wrong?"  
  
Trowa took him aside and briefed him on everything they knew up to   
that point. Wufei's eyes got bigger and bigger until finally they   
looked ready to pop out of his head. "Maxwell did that?"  
  
Quatre nodded. "He needs a doctor."  
  
"Sally Po," Wufei said. "We can trust her."  
  
"But, Wufei, she's so far away...."  
  
He shook his head, and for a moment Quatre thought he saw a slight   
blush across his cheeks. "No, I just ran into her. She was in town   
for a conference, but with this snow she's not going anywhere. I...   
I know where her hotel room is."  
  
Wufei carefully avoided meeting the equally startled pairs of eyes   
focused on him and instead stared at the floor. He frowned, "There's   
still blood, Winner."  
  
Looking down, Quatre saw a faint speck of blood, which he quickly   
wiped away with the edge of his shirt. "How are we going to get Duo   
into the hotel without anyone seeing him?"  
  
"We'd have to use the main entrance."  
  
Quatre thought about it for a moment, then nodded, a plan forming in   
his head, "Trowa and I will go in and distract whoever is on staff.   
Wufei, you and Heero will get Duo up to Sally's room. Once we see   
you safely in the elevator, we'll leave the hotel and come up the   
fire escape."  
  
"We'll need blankets," Trowa said, turning to go find the linen   
closet.  
  
"I'll drive," Wufei offered, "it's really bad out there, the roads   
are slicked over and snow's narrowed visibility to nothing."  
  
Quatre nodded and went upstairs to fill Heero in on the plan. He   
found him sitting beside Duo, holding his hand. The lamp illuminated   
a small puddle of light beside them, casting Duo's features into   
sharp relief.   
  
Walking over, Quatre started to tug the blanket over Duo's exposed   
chest, but stopped. The swirl of color he'd mistaken for shadows   
earlier were clearly visible in the lamp's light. Bruises. From the   
looks of them, they were made with a fist.  
  
At the hospital, he'd notice Duo's black eye and cut lip, but Duo'd   
smoothly avoiding the subject completely. "Allah," Quatre breathed,   
gently reaching down and touching one of the marks.  
  
Heero looked up at him with eyes tortured by guilt, "What happened to   
him in there, Quatre?"  
  
Quatre simply shook his head and looked away.   
  
"According to Wufei, Sally Po's in town. We thought it'd be best to   
get Duo over to her..."  
  
Heero nodded and stood just as Trowa walked in with several warm   
fleece blankets. Duo moaned slightly when they moved him, and a look   
of pain crossed over Heero's face briefly before it turned into   
carved stone once more. Quatre breathed a sigh of relief Duo was   
still with them enough to feel pain, horrible as that was.  
  
Once they had him warmly wrapped, Heero effortlessly lifted him into   
his arms. "Hn."  
  
Quatre looked at him questioningly.  
  
"He's lost weight."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I'm no longer laying in a bed. I can feel the vibrations that tell me   
I'm in a moving car. I start to let myself move into the blackness,   
but I stop when my ears register a slight whispering above me.  
  
Heero.  
  
I fight the blackness away, struggling towards the painful sensations   
that tell me I live. Arms tighten around me and I can hear what   
Heero's saying, and it sounds like a prayer. But Heero doesn't pray.  
  
"Duo?" he asks, feeling me stir. "Please, Duo, open your eyes."  
  
Because Heero asked me to--he even said please!--I force my eyelids   
open a crack. "Where...?" I whisper, trying to focus on the blurs   
around me. My eyes refuse to cooperate.  
  
"We're taking you to a doctor," Quatre says from the other side of me.  
  
Doctors.  
  
Hospitals.  
  
My eyes open fully and I struggle to move, but I'm wrapped tightly in   
blankets and laying across the back-seat of the car, my head in   
Heero's lap. I cry out as my elbow jabs into my side, nearly on top   
of the bullet wound. I collapse back against Heero's legs.   
  
"You've been shot, Duo, you need a doctor."  
  
"They'll take me back there..." I mutter, my head rolling weakly to   
one side.  
  
"No," Quatre puts in, trying to lean over as much as he can with my   
legs across him. "We're not going to let them have you. Right, Heero?"  
  
I force myself to look directly at Heero. He brushes my bangs from   
my eyes and nods, meeting my gaze.   
  
Heero...  
  
He's the last thing I see.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
It's quiet. Dark. I don't like the dark anymore. It's always dark.  
  
I open my eyes and it's still dark, but not as much. Muted sunlight   
fights with the blinds for access into the room. I don't recognize   
where I am. I'm in a bed, and it looks like a bedroom, but it's not   
my bedroom.   
  
"Duo?"  
  
I look over, struggling to make out who it is in this dark lighting.   
It's a familiar voice. The last thing I remember clearly is... I   
seem to recall being in the car with Heero. Surely that was a dream,   
because Heero abandoned me.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
But that's Heero's voice. I start to sit up, but he presses gently on   
my chest, pushing me back down. "Baka, don't move."  
  
He clicks on the lamp beside him and I look at him in surprise. "You   
look terrible," I say. He looks like he hasn't slept in days.  
  
To my greater surprise, he actually smiles. Smiles! How much of what   
I can remember was a dream? "Where am I?"  
  
"Sally Po's hotel room."  
  
Okay, I wasn't expecting that. "What?" I say, trying to sit up again.   
  
Heero pushes me back down again, glaring daggers, "You've been out   
for nearly two days. How do you feel?"  
  
"Two days!"  
  
He nods, then suddenly looks at me oddly, "Don't you remember?"  
  
I think back carefully. I answer him slowly, rolling each event over   
in my head, "I got shot...then, did I really make it home?"  
  
He laughs slightly in relief, bending over to look me in the eye.   
"You gave us all a big scare, baka. Sally didn't think you'd..." he   
stops talking before his voice chokes.  
  
"You forgave me," I whisper suddenly, sorting through the scattered   
thoughts that make up my memory of everything after I passed out in   
the entry hall.  
  
"You forgave me," Heero replies, stroking my cheek tenderly.   
  
"Heero, I..."  
  
He tried to shush me, but I have to tell him, about everything.   
Starting with the alley, I work my way through everything. When I   
tell him about the attacks he squeezes my hand gently, but he looks   
ready to start blowing heads off. By the time I reach the end we've   
both shed some tears.  
  
I choke up telling him about Natasha's death, and he nods   
sympathetically. "I met her," he says.  
  
"I know. I saw you talking to her."  
  
"I went to your room, and she was there."  
  
"Really? What'd she say?"  
  
Heero wipes the tears off my cheeks, "She told me I'd only get one   
more chance with you, and I shouldn't blow it."  
  
"She told me I should forgive you," I whisper. My conversations with   
Natasha the day before she died are suddenly cast into a whole   
different light.   
  
"On the news, they're saying she killed those two orderlies... The   
ones that...did that to you?" he says roughly, like he wishes they   
were still around so he could kill them all over again.  
  
I nod, "She wouldn't eat, because she was convinced the hospital was   
trying to poison her. She was right, you know. That's how she died.   
Poison."  
  
He gives me an awkward hug, because I'm still laying down, and tells   
me everything that had happened since I blacked out. I'm nearly moved   
to tears by hearing how my friends protected me from the police.   
  
"What are we going to do, Heero?"  
  
"Quatre thinks he can get us into space," he looks at me and I nod.   
"Once there, we can get new identities..." he trails off.  
  
"You always wanted for us to get a place of our own," I offer with a   
slight smile. He returns it. "I'm really sorry I fucked everything   
up, Heero. I..."  
  
He shakes his head, "Don't. It doesn't matter." He takes my hand and   
holds it to his chest, bending his head to lightly kiss the   
knuckles. "Even though you might not trust me, I can promise you, I   
won't give up this time. But you have to promise me you'll get help."  
  
"What kind of help?" I ask warily. I never want to see another   
psychologist as long as I live.  
  
"At least read a self-help book..."  
  
I laugh slightly and nod. "Deal."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Looking out the window of the space shuttle, I pretend to wave to   
Quatre, Trowa and Wufei, but they're safely away from the launch pad   
by now. I sit back in my seat and look over to Heero, who's reading   
a the label on the bottle of pain killers Sally stuck me on.  
  
I start to bend over and fetch the book I brought, but I wince. Even   
though the good Doc made me wait a full week before letting me leave   
the planet, I still can't function at one hundred percent.   
Apparently, bending over and retrieving paperbacks is still a skill   
I can't do.  
  
Heero rolls his eyes at me and gets the book for me, handing it to   
me with a slight smile. I don't read it yet, but instead I look out   
the window once more. As they often have over the last few days, my   
thoughts are on the entire nightmare I've resolved to fix and put   
behind me.   
  
I take Heero's hand into my own, and he shoots me a slightly annoyed   
look. I grin back and see a slight twist to the his lips before he   
looks away.  
  
Heero claims I look different now, older, more mature. The only   
noticeable differences I can see is a fading scar above my eye and a   
new necklace around my neck.  
  
I insisted on getting rid of the clothes I wore on my wild escape,   
but not before I rescued the black queen from the pant's pocket. The   
chess piece hangs beside my cross on a fine gold chain I brought. I   
don't care if it looks girly, because the chain is something I know   
Natasha would like.  
  
I had the keepsake modified so I can store a small rolled up slip of   
paper inside. "For you to remember me" with the rubbing of her   
compact. The words are faded. They were nearly destroyed by snow,   
blood and pain, but they survived.  
  
Like me.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Author's Notes: Thirteen days after I started, I finally finish...  
I'm extraordinarily pleased with how this 'fic turned out. I was   
blown away by how well the readers at FF.net received this 'fic and   
embr aced my writing. I'd just like to extend the deepest of thanks   
to everyone who took the time to read this story and leave me a   
review. Special thanks to Forever 1X2, Ryoko-onee, BlueXViolet goblz   
and everyone else who followed me on the journey. Thank you, thank you   
so much! You're comments kept me going when I'd lost faith in myself   
and the story.  
More thanks to my muses, Katie and Savie, and again to Savie for   
beta-reading and cheering me on.   
Please stick around and read the epilogue to "Completing the Silence"  
I'm working on it even as I finish wrapping up this chapter... Trust  
me, you'll want to read this epilogue!  
  
Also, work has already gone underway for my second big Gundam 'fic,   
"Manifestation of Will." Either check FF.net or my website for it   
when I get the first chapter written, or... PLEASE feel free to send   
me an email (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com) and I'll add you to my Update ML.  
  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated!  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
www.geocities.com/manzokubiscuit/index.html 


	16. Epilogue: Promise Kept

LSE // 7-25-02  
(Completing the Silence - Epilogue: Promise Kept)  
rated: PG13 - violence, language, content  
shounen-ai/yaoi  
  
Promise Kept  
It's been six months. I still have nightmares, but I've learned to   
cope with everything that happened to me. I won't lie, Heero and I   
have had our moments, but we've managed to come through in the end.   
  
We both made promises, and we're keeping them. I'm seeing a good   
therapist once a week, which originally I protested, but I realized  
that sometimes everyone needs someone to help them.  
  
Heero and I have discussed trying to return to earth, but I refuse   
to take a new identity. I am Duo Maxwell, and I plan on staying Duo   
Maxwell.  
  
Sometimes late at night, wrapped in Heero's arms, I remember a   
different set of arms. The pain of Natasha's death starting to fade,   
now that I have Heero again, but I won't let myself forget her.  
  
The chess piece lays beside my cross, dual reminders of two very   
different times when a stranger came to my rescue and brought me up   
from the ground.  
  
Today, I'm walking down to the post office. Quatre and Trowa are   
living together, and Wufei is on a tour of China, but we try and   
write each other often. According to official records, Heero Yuy is   
visiting distant relatives in L4, the Winner family, and all our   
mail gets sent there. One of Quatre's sisters sends it the post   
office box we've rented for ourselves.  
  
Clutching the mail, I make my way back to our apartment not far away.  
Even though it's annoying and bothering, I miss the weather of Earth.   
Especially rain drops.   
  
Heero greets me as I come in and takes the mail from me. He shuffles   
through it, tossing the bills and such onto a table. He's holding a   
letter from Quatre, and another. The letter is addressed to Heero,   
but the other letter...  
  
I take it and stare down at it in surprise. It's addressed to me and   
postmarked from Earth. Heero and I exchange equal looks of confusion   
and I open it up hesitantly.  
  
Inside there's one sheet of paper. I take it out and unfold it.  
  
The blood drains from my face and I stumble back for a chair,   
collapsing onto the coffee table. There's only a single sentence,   
written in a disturbingly familiar handwriting.  
  
Heero reads over my shoulder, "I always keep my promises..." Beneath   
it is a rubbing created by an etched rose.  
  
"Natasha," I whisper, letting the letter fall to the floor. The chess   
piece around my neck suddenly feels very, very heavy.  
  
Natasha...  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Author's Notes: UPDATE! There is now a sequel in progress called   
"The Black Queen" and it can be found at:  
FFN -   
MM.org -   
website-   
Also, please join my Update ML (email me at the address below) and  
you will never miss a single update I make! I'll send you an email  
whenever I post new chapters or stories. ^_^ thanks so much for  
reading and I hope you enjoy the sequel!  
  
Feedback/reviews are very much appreciated!  
copyright 2002 - Gundam Wing and characters copyright other people.  
LSE - "Violet" (ManzokuBiscuit@aol.com)  
violetnyte.fallenweb.net 


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